You know, I wish the NWS in Norman would make a network of people who suffer from Arthritis. These people would go daily online to rate their pain level. This way I bet they'd get a much better forecast.
Anyway, I was thinking at one time - being a witch trained in weather working, with knowledge on meteorology, really pays off, lol.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Meh
Been fighting with some pain in the last three days. Today is the worst of them all. Almost cancelled my physical therapy this morning, but then I thought "nah, I'll just drag my sorry behind there". I did that, then stopped at the health food store and got some rose petals for my plant tea, some garbanzo beans flour (I make a killer bread with it) and a couple more things, then stopped at the Family Dollar store to get planters (the plastic ones are the cheapest there) so I can transplant the green salad mix I had seeded a week ago, but that will have to wait til tomorrow. By the time I got home I could barely walk. Got 2/3 of a Percocet pill and I start feeling better.
It is interesting how a lot of my shoulder blade and shoulder pain were from tight muscles. These two ladies who work on me at the PT place are doing wonders. I've been in pain in those areas for almost three years and for the first time I am able to be pain free for hours at a time now. Hopefully in another couple of sessions I'll be pain free, at least for my shoulder.
Been reading some ER medical blogs. I have mixed feelings about the whole "chronic pain" and "drug seeker" thing.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Do I believe I have it? No. I believe that: 1. a lot of my arm, shoulder and back muscles pain comes from the Latissimus Dorsi breast reconstruction, that the plastic surgeon messed up my shoulder and some other stuff in there but doctors don't like to blame other doctors, so they will not accept that; 2. chemo has messed up the pain signals in my brain/nerves; 3. a big chunk of the pains I have are brought in by the aromatase inhibitor I'm taking. I am NOT willing to take anti-depressants (Lyrica, Cymbalta, etc) for "fibro". I am NOT willing to take all kinds of arthritis medication. The side effects are way worse than the condition. I take glucosamine with MSM, vit D3, calcium, Fish oil to keep my joints and circulatory system in shape and I work out as much as I can, and work in the garden. If I have to take Percocets for another 3 years to help me deal with the aromatase inhibitor, so be it. My diet is quite healthy so the damage to my liver and kidneys should be minimal. Besides, I do not even take a full pill at a time. I go by 1/2 or 2/3 (depending on the pain level) when I am in more pain than normal. Yes, I am drug-dependent in order to be able to function properly. No, I am not a drug-seeker. Unfortunately, the OTC pain-killers like Motrin, Ibuprofen, tylenol, etc, do not work at all on me. Ultram doesn't either. Percocet takes the edge of the pain, and makes me able to function. Doesn't take the pain away completely. At least not in the quantity I take it - I am supposed to take 2 x 7.5 at a time, hell no!! I want my pain to go away so I can DO things, instead of laying around. If I take as much as they want me to, then I'll spend my days in a haze of drowsiness. No thank you. I want to live my life, as much as I have left of it.
So yea, I'm not in a very good mood today.
Another day of plans messed up by being in pain.
But, as a side note and just to bring in a smile:
It is interesting how a lot of my shoulder blade and shoulder pain were from tight muscles. These two ladies who work on me at the PT place are doing wonders. I've been in pain in those areas for almost three years and for the first time I am able to be pain free for hours at a time now. Hopefully in another couple of sessions I'll be pain free, at least for my shoulder.
Been reading some ER medical blogs. I have mixed feelings about the whole "chronic pain" and "drug seeker" thing.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Do I believe I have it? No. I believe that: 1. a lot of my arm, shoulder and back muscles pain comes from the Latissimus Dorsi breast reconstruction, that the plastic surgeon messed up my shoulder and some other stuff in there but doctors don't like to blame other doctors, so they will not accept that; 2. chemo has messed up the pain signals in my brain/nerves; 3. a big chunk of the pains I have are brought in by the aromatase inhibitor I'm taking. I am NOT willing to take anti-depressants (Lyrica, Cymbalta, etc) for "fibro". I am NOT willing to take all kinds of arthritis medication. The side effects are way worse than the condition. I take glucosamine with MSM, vit D3, calcium, Fish oil to keep my joints and circulatory system in shape and I work out as much as I can, and work in the garden. If I have to take Percocets for another 3 years to help me deal with the aromatase inhibitor, so be it. My diet is quite healthy so the damage to my liver and kidneys should be minimal. Besides, I do not even take a full pill at a time. I go by 1/2 or 2/3 (depending on the pain level) when I am in more pain than normal. Yes, I am drug-dependent in order to be able to function properly. No, I am not a drug-seeker. Unfortunately, the OTC pain-killers like Motrin, Ibuprofen, tylenol, etc, do not work at all on me. Ultram doesn't either. Percocet takes the edge of the pain, and makes me able to function. Doesn't take the pain away completely. At least not in the quantity I take it - I am supposed to take 2 x 7.5 at a time, hell no!! I want my pain to go away so I can DO things, instead of laying around. If I take as much as they want me to, then I'll spend my days in a haze of drowsiness. No thank you. I want to live my life, as much as I have left of it.
So yea, I'm not in a very good mood today.
Another day of plans messed up by being in pain.
But, as a side note and just to bring in a smile:
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Diet
So, once the results came back for ultrasound I had about 3 weeks ago on my gallbladder showed that I am perfectly fine in that area, last week, on Monday (May 7) I started dieting again.
This time I didn't start with my "harsh diet" that makes you lose a pound a day, but with a much milder diet. It's May 10th and I lost 6 lbs. I'm quite happy.
What does the diet consist of? Simple. Roasted chicken, greens salad and grapefruit. I am allowed to eat during a day, also, a choice of: 2 squares of dark chocolate; or a fistful of dry fruit; or 2 slices of whole wheat bread (150 calories); or 2 kiwi fruit; or a few spoons of ice-cream; or something equivalent but the calories apport has to be under 200 calories and must not contain any fat except a little bit of olive oil or coconut oil, and except for the whole wheat bread, no carbs.
Two meals a day of the roasted chicken (the walmart rotisserie chicken kind) and greens salad (I buy the organic spring mix), one around 11 am and one around 6 pm, and grapefruit any other time during the day when I feel hungry.
If I keep going like this, by the time I will have the next revision surgery, the 1st of August I should have lost about 40 lbs.I hope I'll be able to stick to it.
This time I didn't start with my "harsh diet" that makes you lose a pound a day, but with a much milder diet. It's May 10th and I lost 6 lbs. I'm quite happy.
What does the diet consist of? Simple. Roasted chicken, greens salad and grapefruit. I am allowed to eat during a day, also, a choice of: 2 squares of dark chocolate; or a fistful of dry fruit; or 2 slices of whole wheat bread (150 calories); or 2 kiwi fruit; or a few spoons of ice-cream; or something equivalent but the calories apport has to be under 200 calories and must not contain any fat except a little bit of olive oil or coconut oil, and except for the whole wheat bread, no carbs.
Two meals a day of the roasted chicken (the walmart rotisserie chicken kind) and greens salad (I buy the organic spring mix), one around 11 am and one around 6 pm, and grapefruit any other time during the day when I feel hungry.
If I keep going like this, by the time I will have the next revision surgery, the 1st of August I should have lost about 40 lbs.I hope I'll be able to stick to it.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I am afraid to write it
I am afraid to write it, honestly. For two days I've felt better. Actually this morning I felt like a million bucks.
Even if I got my physical therapy appointment time all messed up. Tomorrow I have the appointment with the pain management doctor at 9:15 and today's PT was at 9:45. And I was there like a little flower all smiling at 9:10. Doh. I didn't mind, though, I found a couple of the Time magazines with really really interesting articles, so I didn't consider I've wasted my time waiting.
Anyway, I told the therapist that I have issues with one of the exercises I have to do home, so she switched me to another one. Then she gave me this massage on my shoulder blade, on the rib area where I have the "iron bra" and on the shoulder itself, and for almost an hour after that MY SHOULDER BLADE DIDN'T HURT. MY SHOULDER DIDN'T HURT. I COULD BREATHE WITHOUT HURTING. After that the pain returned, but I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes, both yesterday and today I still was in pain, but I felt good. I felt energetic. I felt like I was bouncing off the walls.
Aaaand I started another kind of necklaces. Photos later. But I have to post a photo of my latest achievement in the garden - I made another flower bed. This little garden of mine will look so good by the end of July! And the tomatoes are really rally tall, one of them is like 2' tall. And they're full of flowers. So soon I'll have new tomatoes. The cucumbers are growing, and I moved one of the bell peppers and I need to move another one, they didn't seem too happy where they were.
Anyway, here's the photos of the new flower bed, right in front of the new pergola that was built for the cucumbers/morning glories. I DO need to go to Lowes and get some thin wood to make "ladders" on the sides for the cucumbers and morning glories to have support to climb. The area you see that has some cardboard on it and some stepping stones will be a gravel walking path, continuing in front of and under the pergola and in front of the tomato box. Then a piece of fence going from my laundry room (the white siding building) to the corner of the neighbor's garage, so we can let the dogs out on the side of the house, so they won't mess up the garden. They'll still have an area about 40' long by 10 wide to run and do their business, and we want to cover that area with paving stones, easier to collect the "land mines" and to wash with a hose.
Even if I got my physical therapy appointment time all messed up. Tomorrow I have the appointment with the pain management doctor at 9:15 and today's PT was at 9:45. And I was there like a little flower all smiling at 9:10. Doh. I didn't mind, though, I found a couple of the Time magazines with really really interesting articles, so I didn't consider I've wasted my time waiting.
Anyway, I told the therapist that I have issues with one of the exercises I have to do home, so she switched me to another one. Then she gave me this massage on my shoulder blade, on the rib area where I have the "iron bra" and on the shoulder itself, and for almost an hour after that MY SHOULDER BLADE DIDN'T HURT. MY SHOULDER DIDN'T HURT. I COULD BREATHE WITHOUT HURTING. After that the pain returned, but I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes, both yesterday and today I still was in pain, but I felt good. I felt energetic. I felt like I was bouncing off the walls.
Aaaand I started another kind of necklaces. Photos later. But I have to post a photo of my latest achievement in the garden - I made another flower bed. This little garden of mine will look so good by the end of July! And the tomatoes are really rally tall, one of them is like 2' tall. And they're full of flowers. So soon I'll have new tomatoes. The cucumbers are growing, and I moved one of the bell peppers and I need to move another one, they didn't seem too happy where they were.
Anyway, here's the photos of the new flower bed, right in front of the new pergola that was built for the cucumbers/morning glories. I DO need to go to Lowes and get some thin wood to make "ladders" on the sides for the cucumbers and morning glories to have support to climb. The area you see that has some cardboard on it and some stepping stones will be a gravel walking path, continuing in front of and under the pergola and in front of the tomato box. Then a piece of fence going from my laundry room (the white siding building) to the corner of the neighbor's garage, so we can let the dogs out on the side of the house, so they won't mess up the garden. They'll still have an area about 40' long by 10 wide to run and do their business, and we want to cover that area with paving stones, easier to collect the "land mines" and to wash with a hose.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
It's been a while since I updated this blog on my new creations. I did continue to make the old style dragon's eye pendants, true, mostly on commission. They take close to 2 hours to make, each, so once they started to be known and wanted on the market I didn't make as many to have available and on hand. They are quite requested though, on etsy, at the various fairs I participate as a vendor, as well as from my two online stores. This is how they look like:
I started making a new style of dragon's eye pendants though, that I sell a tad cheaper, and more people can afford them. Also, they do not require as much time to make, only around an hour each. Here they are:
I also started a new line, of little "mother Goddess" pendants. I tried to give them a face of calm, serenity, compassion and love. They encompass all aspects of the Mother, and I work them in sacred space as well. I charge them to help with depression, feelings of sadness, not feeling loved, to give you spiritual healing and strength.
I hope you like them. I have other works, I'll post them some other time.
I started making a new style of dragon's eye pendants though, that I sell a tad cheaper, and more people can afford them. Also, they do not require as much time to make, only around an hour each. Here they are:
I also started a new line, of little "mother Goddess" pendants. I tried to give them a face of calm, serenity, compassion and love. They encompass all aspects of the Mother, and I work them in sacred space as well. I charge them to help with depression, feelings of sadness, not feeling loved, to give you spiritual healing and strength.
I hope you like them. I have other works, I'll post them some other time.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
More than disappointment
So, one of the (very) few online forums I am a member of, a couple days ago completely re-did their "face". a.k.a. switched to a new platform.
No, I am not happy. The number of forums I am a member of will be decreasing by one.
Let's see, why?
Well, obviously the first would be that I do not like the new format of the forum. It's crude, hard to navigate, the page design breaks about all the basic rules of webdesign, the colors are awful and totally inappropriate, the contrast between the background and the font give headaches and eye-watering to many members (me included), and more and more issues.
The main things though that made me decide to leave that forum, are:
1. It is a forum for breast cancer patients and survivors. Belonging to a non-profit organization who supposedly helps breast cancer patients and survivors. I know very well how much such an overhaul of a website would cost. The previous board they had was just fine. Didn't need practically anything else done. So, instead of using the donation money they always ask for to help a breast cancer patient/survivor, they decide to work on the board. On the board that didn't need anything done. Smells fishy to me. Smells like that kind of fish called "oh, my son/nephew/husband/fill-in-the-blank needs some money and he/she is sooooo good with webdesign".
2. There was an uproar of the members saying how much they hate the new platform. About approximately 98% of the members said they hated it, they had issues navigating, they had issues reading, a lot were uncomfortable having yet ANOTHER thing change in their life when they had to cope with so much already, etc. The response of the Moderators? "we will be ironing things and glitches out". No "we are sorry, seems everybody hates this, maybe we should go back to what we had". Not even "let's take a poll and see who wants to go back and who is happy". No "we will talk to the developer to change the layout/colors/ navigation if it bothers people so much". Nope. The higher-ups don't care.
Well, as a website owner/designer/developer - true, my highest number of members on a website is barely 5k, not 100k like the one in question - as I was saying, as someone in the business, I know that the rule no. 1 is "my members need to be happy; the success (and income) of my website comes from the members being happy".
Let me try and make a parallel. Let's say I would go to a local charity/support group and I would be a member there. Non-paying, but I'd make donations, so the support part would work better. I'd also be involved voluntarily in helping with the support. Then one morning when I'd arrive there, I'd be invited in a dark room, and asked to read some pamphlets to people I can barely see. I'd get a headache and strained eyes from trying to read with insufficient light. I'd barely find my bottle of water to sip when my throat gets dry from reading. It would be uncomfortably hot in the room. i'd go and complain to the higher-ups there and they'd say "oh well, too bad, so sad, this is how things are going to work from now on because we decided the director's nephew should re-do the electric system and he changed all the light-bulbs with 10 watts ones; and btw we used your donations to pay him". Would I go back? nope. Would I still help donating? Obviously not.
So, good-bye breascancer.org. I met some wonderful people there. But I've seen now your true colors.
No, I am not happy. The number of forums I am a member of will be decreasing by one.
Let's see, why?
Well, obviously the first would be that I do not like the new format of the forum. It's crude, hard to navigate, the page design breaks about all the basic rules of webdesign, the colors are awful and totally inappropriate, the contrast between the background and the font give headaches and eye-watering to many members (me included), and more and more issues.
The main things though that made me decide to leave that forum, are:
1. It is a forum for breast cancer patients and survivors. Belonging to a non-profit organization who supposedly helps breast cancer patients and survivors. I know very well how much such an overhaul of a website would cost. The previous board they had was just fine. Didn't need practically anything else done. So, instead of using the donation money they always ask for to help a breast cancer patient/survivor, they decide to work on the board. On the board that didn't need anything done. Smells fishy to me. Smells like that kind of fish called "oh, my son/nephew/husband/fill-in-the-blank needs some money and he/she is sooooo good with webdesign".
2. There was an uproar of the members saying how much they hate the new platform. About approximately 98% of the members said they hated it, they had issues navigating, they had issues reading, a lot were uncomfortable having yet ANOTHER thing change in their life when they had to cope with so much already, etc. The response of the Moderators? "we will be ironing things and glitches out". No "we are sorry, seems everybody hates this, maybe we should go back to what we had". Not even "let's take a poll and see who wants to go back and who is happy". No "we will talk to the developer to change the layout/colors/ navigation if it bothers people so much". Nope. The higher-ups don't care.
Well, as a website owner/designer/developer - true, my highest number of members on a website is barely 5k, not 100k like the one in question - as I was saying, as someone in the business, I know that the rule no. 1 is "my members need to be happy; the success (and income) of my website comes from the members being happy".
Let me try and make a parallel. Let's say I would go to a local charity/support group and I would be a member there. Non-paying, but I'd make donations, so the support part would work better. I'd also be involved voluntarily in helping with the support. Then one morning when I'd arrive there, I'd be invited in a dark room, and asked to read some pamphlets to people I can barely see. I'd get a headache and strained eyes from trying to read with insufficient light. I'd barely find my bottle of water to sip when my throat gets dry from reading. It would be uncomfortably hot in the room. i'd go and complain to the higher-ups there and they'd say "oh well, too bad, so sad, this is how things are going to work from now on because we decided the director's nephew should re-do the electric system and he changed all the light-bulbs with 10 watts ones; and btw we used your donations to pay him". Would I go back? nope. Would I still help donating? Obviously not.
So, good-bye breascancer.org. I met some wonderful people there. But I've seen now your true colors.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
I'm dizzy
Yes, I am dizzy. Not vertigo-style, really, but like a mix of lightheadedness and slight vertigo.
It all started on the 20th of February. It was the third day after I had gotten a flu shot. I was chatting with J. online and suddenly I had this dizziness wash over me. The exact same kind like before passing out - yes, I know how passing out feels, I did pass out quite a few times when I was pregnant. It would start with this kind of dizziness then there would be a noise in my ears like the one you hear when you pour sugar from the bag into whatever container you keep the sugar in, and then I would see like a chicken-wire fence in front of my eyes and the eyes of the chicken-wire netting would start blacking out, until it was all black then I was gone. But this was just the dizziness.
I managed to tell J. what is going on, then I tried a few things - as in my mind were flashing the possible causes. Of course the first one was my blood pressure. I stood up and it didn't get worse (I was haging on to the door in case I'd faint). I went real quick to the bathroom for a no. 1 and it didn't get better (urinating usually decreases your blood pressure). I went then and had a glass of water. It didn't get better. It slowly got a tad better but the dizziness was still there. And it was still there for the following days. At one point, when it got good enough that I wasn't (too) afraid to drive, I went ahead and went to the neighborhood pharmacy, and bought a home blood pressure monitor. I took my pressure when I got home and it was HIGH. 157/89. I took another Metoprolol (I am taking that to prevent tachycardia from my hyper-thyroid) and it slowly went down, but not lower than 122/76. My normal blood pressure is 100-110/66-76. I also felt like my head was going to explode. Of course I thought I might have been having a TIA and didn't recover. Then thinking about the congestion I felt, I thought maybe I had a sinus infection (again). So, having some Keflex in the house I started taking it. About 2 hours after I took the first dose, the dizziness went away. I'm still taking it, I still have bouts of dizziness here and there, but overall it's not as bad as it was. I told J. that if it gets worse I will go to the ER, and it will be to the point of calling an ambulance not driving myself there. I just want to be able to go to the fair I'm supposed to go at the end of this week.
To say that I'm convinced (and for a while now) that there is something that is not right with my brain? Of course I am convinced. I also have (maybe due to the dizziness) the feeling that I am in a permanent dream-state.
I just hope that if there is anything, I can last until J. comes back home. That was my fear since all this happened (as we knew then he would have to deploy at one point), that something would happen to me and I wouldn't see him again.
I hope, I so hope and pray that won't happen.
It all started on the 20th of February. It was the third day after I had gotten a flu shot. I was chatting with J. online and suddenly I had this dizziness wash over me. The exact same kind like before passing out - yes, I know how passing out feels, I did pass out quite a few times when I was pregnant. It would start with this kind of dizziness then there would be a noise in my ears like the one you hear when you pour sugar from the bag into whatever container you keep the sugar in, and then I would see like a chicken-wire fence in front of my eyes and the eyes of the chicken-wire netting would start blacking out, until it was all black then I was gone. But this was just the dizziness.
I managed to tell J. what is going on, then I tried a few things - as in my mind were flashing the possible causes. Of course the first one was my blood pressure. I stood up and it didn't get worse (I was haging on to the door in case I'd faint). I went real quick to the bathroom for a no. 1 and it didn't get better (urinating usually decreases your blood pressure). I went then and had a glass of water. It didn't get better. It slowly got a tad better but the dizziness was still there. And it was still there for the following days. At one point, when it got good enough that I wasn't (too) afraid to drive, I went ahead and went to the neighborhood pharmacy, and bought a home blood pressure monitor. I took my pressure when I got home and it was HIGH. 157/89. I took another Metoprolol (I am taking that to prevent tachycardia from my hyper-thyroid) and it slowly went down, but not lower than 122/76. My normal blood pressure is 100-110/66-76. I also felt like my head was going to explode. Of course I thought I might have been having a TIA and didn't recover. Then thinking about the congestion I felt, I thought maybe I had a sinus infection (again). So, having some Keflex in the house I started taking it. About 2 hours after I took the first dose, the dizziness went away. I'm still taking it, I still have bouts of dizziness here and there, but overall it's not as bad as it was. I told J. that if it gets worse I will go to the ER, and it will be to the point of calling an ambulance not driving myself there. I just want to be able to go to the fair I'm supposed to go at the end of this week.
To say that I'm convinced (and for a while now) that there is something that is not right with my brain? Of course I am convinced. I also have (maybe due to the dizziness) the feeling that I am in a permanent dream-state.
I just hope that if there is anything, I can last until J. comes back home. That was my fear since all this happened (as we knew then he would have to deploy at one point), that something would happen to me and I wouldn't see him again.
I hope, I so hope and pray that won't happen.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
What is communism
To be very honest, I sometimes get totally frustrated about talks about communism here in the US.
It is in a way a contradiction: on one hand, you have the ones that cry out loud that Obama is bringing the US towards socialism. On the other hand, you have the protesters - street protesters, like the Occupy movement - that push ahead with an agenda that is nothing more nothing less than .... communism.
There was this persona on facebook who (by what obscure ways I have no idea) got on my friends list. I can swear I did not seek them out, I do not have this habit. The only people I would actually ask to be friends are the ones that are pagans and live in Oklahoma, for the very simple reason that I want to bring them in the "loop of information", there are so many things going on in the pagan community and there are still people who have no idea and they complain they can't find other pagans. But I digress. Anyway, this person(a) at one point appeared on my feeds with some really reactionary and straight out communist status updates that everybody praised. I commented that - I am sorry, but living for close to 30 years in a communist country I feel my hackle raise whenever communist stuff is said or written. And this was the exact same type of brain-washing propaganda I have listened to for close to 30 years, same thing that brought me on the streets of Bucharest as an active participant to the anti-communist revolution, in which I saw people die near me and being dragged after being shot. His reponse? a wave of obscene insults in which, of course, the first things I should be aware of was that I was a WOMAN, and a middle aged one at that, and as such it was evident that I was dumb and didn't know what I was saying. It's useless to recount here what my answers were - I presume the character probably had a TIA or something, I don't know as I totally blocked him afterwards.
But, anyway, all of you out there , you know what communism is? A country in which you would have a person or groups of persons (president/central committee of sorts) who are the "Gods" and the rest of the country are the ants. Any free will, and trace of individualism are brainwashed out of people for the good of the community (hence the word communism). You don't own anything anymore in your own name, no property (it is forbidden), everything belongs to the community. Everything you are including what you might become is subject to the development of the whole of the community (hence "totalitarism" - there is no communism with a human face, all communism is a totalitarian regime). The dictatorship and personality cult will appear as well, as communism is an impossibility for the human species - we are individuals and do not have a swarm type of civilization like the bees or the termites or the ants, where there is only one queen and all the other insects live for the good of the community. No, we are mammals and there are no mammals with this mentality, it's all natural selection, in the past it was the best hunter who could feed his family, nowadays it's the one who makes the most money. Just the law of the jungle in a technocratic society.
I will post here a video that actually shows the essence of communism. It shows you the populace, indentity-less, doctors, ballerinas, janitors, teachers, waiters and students, all dancing a useless "ballet" for the delight of the "queen bees". And this tells you more about communism than thousands of tomes. Believe me. I know. I lived it.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Time... more time
It's been weird. It's like I want to do a bazillion things at the same time and I never manage to do them.
Usually because I am tired. Or start on a different direction and by the time I realize it my initial project is forgotten.
Example: this morning I started cleaning the office. I dug in a box I have lots of photos in. And while i was sorting them to finally get them in a smaller container, I found an old film. Like 14 years old. From a time when me and my best friend went on a Christmas fun evening, she came to pick me up from work, then we went to the Christmas Village downtown. We took a lot of photos. My best friend lives in Italy now but we chat online almost daily. So dropped were the photos, I jumped in the car and ran to Walgreens to get prints and a CD from the film. While I was there waiting for my prints to be done I got a flu shot (got one 3 months ago but it seems that, after the chemo, flu shot with me doesn't last more than 3 months and due to the surgeries I had, coughing is horrendous, percocet-like horrendous). Also, while still waiting, as I had gotten a "buy $15 value get $3 off" coupon that wasn't valid for the photos, I got some flower seeds and a humongous windchime that was on a 50% discount. Once I got home, I immediately went online and sent my bff the photos, then one she got offline I went ahead and put the windchimes out, then went in the garden and dug and planted some of those seeds, then found in the mail a denial for my CT scan that I'm supposed to have in March. Another story with this one, initially my oncologist had ordered a PET/CT. The insurance denied as they said I need 2 years between PET scans (last one was in August 2010) and they said 'only CT". Two days ago I got the approval for CT. Didn't really read anything beyond the "was approved". Today I got in the mail (it came as I was finishing my planting) another letter from the insurance, "your CT is denied". Ok, major confusion. I look for the reason, it says "you do not have a bone scan that needs to be done prior to the CT". Excuse me? I called my oncologist, the lady there said the insurance denied the CT without contrast but approved the CT WITH contrast. We were both like "wtf?!?"
Anyway, after that, I got a phone call about a spirit doll order, and as I had started a few yesterday I went ahead and finished one.
So, it's 4:42 pm. I am in the office now, the photos - that I had started "putting away" this morning are on the floor, in a pile.
Sigh. Can you say "chemobrain"?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Procrastination
Ok, I am becoming one of the worst procrastinators ever. It comes from the fact that I have been depressed. There are many, many things I need to do and just can't find the energy/motivation to do it - and in some of them I am trying to avoid the pain, yes, I used to have a high pain tolerance, not anymore. I would do anything to get rid of all this pain.
Now I'm saying on everything "I'll do this tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." The motto that used to give me courage and keep my spirits up is not just a procrastinating excuse. And a fear. What if tomorrow won't be another day?
I still didn't finish cleaning the house. Well, I did clean the kitchen, more or less, same for the living room. The bedroom looks semi-decent. Except that I didn't vacuum or dust in any of these rooms. The office looks like a disaster and it has been looking like this since October. I used to be a clean/order freak.
I need to finish the testing website for my online school. On this one at least I've been working a little bit. But sometimes I hit a snag when I am just looking at the code and in an instant I lose it. I do not understand anything. I can't follow the thread of logic of what I am supposed to do, get discouraged and just stop working on it. And then I am afraid to take it up again because it's so depressing to see how much chemo has affected my brain.
I need to finish a few pieces of art, update my online store and the etsy one, and make more stuff. I have absolutely no inspiration. No sculpture, drawing, painting or jewelry making.
I need to start mobilizing for the fund-raisers for organizing the local Pagan Pride Day. To prepare some of the on-site classes. I can't. I can't stop thinking "why would I want to do this? I don't care if people learn from me or not. I don't care about people anymore".
I need to finish the three books I'm writing. I can't focus.
I miss J. I am in pain. I can find no interesting in anything. I am looking forward to the day he will come back, and tell myself all the depression will go away when he comes back, and then I think "what if it won't?". What if when he comes back I will still not be able to shake this off and he won't be able to live with a different me?
My healthcare nurse lady said today on the phone that she will refer me to a specialist for some therapy. I hope it works. I hope I can find inside me the strength to be interested in life again. I've been through so many things in my life, surgeries, big earthquakes, car accidents, premature baby death, a 5 days 3rd degree coma. I always rebounded. I always valued and enjoyed life and fought to get everything I wanted to do done. I always did whatever I could to be of service of the community, to help in any way I could. Why can't I do it again? what is happening to me?
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Holiday fiasco
When I "grew up" enough to move away from living with my parents, I've sworn myself that no matter where I'll be and no matter what I'll do, I will always have the Winter Tree up, and always celebrate the Winter Solstice.
This is my 12th year spent far away from my homeland. A little bit over 2 years have gone by since I heard the cancer diagnostic. It's been only 3 months since I've last seen my beloved, for a short 10 days when he came home on leave from deployment. And I fail to have the joy in my heart this year.
I might have been in pain for too long. That may have contributed to my feeling down as of late. My sweetheart not being here, and being so far away from him has been the major part, I think.
Always at this time of the year I would go on youtube and watch videos of traditional Romanian rites and carols and dances and songs. Some are pagan (the dances and the rites), some are Christian (most of the carols) and for a while I've always had the peaceful feeling of the winter holidays that I had in Romania: a whole country, a whole community celebrating the hope. That is the Winter solstice, that is the Birth of Jesus: Hope. In winter, in the longest nights of the year, when everything is cold and gloomy, you know that finally the light will start grow longer and brighter. The same as you know that the seeds, down in the ground, stir and get ready to germinate. It's the hope of the spring to come.
I am not able to get in that mood this year. I knew, and I told him, that this winter will probably be the hardest of my life. It doesn't help that we had a mild fall and winter here in Oklahoma, and there are still plenty of green things out, the lawns are green, my leatherleaf bush is in bloom, the bulbs I planted in November are out already (daylillies and irises), I cannot get rid of this gloomy feeling.
The fact that I have been in pain with no total relief for the last two years probably wore me down. I did find out that my hip pain is from bursitis and my shoulder pain is from shoulder impingement (hello, LD flap breast reconstruction!), but it is beyond frustration when I go to see the doctors complaining of pain and then they're "oh, it is from this" and their face is all happy, like they've discovered America again. And then they start speaking of something else like that was the major thing, that the reason of my pain be found, and if it's found then probably I should stop hurting?!? And when I ask what is to be done they start being ellusive and blabber things like "h we can do some pain management" or "well there are cases when there is long-term effect" and I want to scream "people! why didn't you tell me this before?"
I've put up the Winter tree today. Shoulder hurts when I get on my tiptoes to fix the topper. The lights are messed up - some led bulbs need to be replaced. I had to leave the areas of the light that don't work in the back of the tree as it was impossible for me to remove the burned led bulbs from their sockets.
By the time I was done with putting up ornaments in the tree I already had to take half of a Percocet. I finished the tree and then got the dough from the bread machine and filled it with the traditional nut filling and got it in the oven. Then fixed the second batch of dough in the machine, and got the roast in the oven. All the while thinking "why am I even doing this, it's just me. It's only me at home. Nobody to rejoice with. Nobody to taste my cooking. Nobody. Just me and the dogs."
I haven't sculpted anything in a long time. I haven't painted anything in a long time. I haven't written anything in a long time. I haven't done any changes to any of my websites.I started having anxiety attacks right before I get to sleep, right at the moment when I am ready to fall asleep, the thought that I will die in my sleep comes to my mind and poof! sleep is gone.
I have short bursts of ideation, like I am going to sculpt a little fairy ornament - and I get up from the chair and by the time I get where my art and crafts supplies are I am already tired and asking myself "why?" and the hand that just took the piece of clay puts it back in the ziplock bag. And I go back in front of the computer and play some mindless game.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Karma
Yea, I know, it's been a while. Almost daily I'm thinking I need to write something here and then the day goes by and that is it, too late.
Anyway. The Karma thing. I see more and more often "oh, don't worry, he'll get it. Karma's a bitch". Or "she doesn't know what it's in store for her, karma will bring bad stuff back to her threefold".
No, people, it won't. Karma is not the "threefold law" of the wiccans. It's not some supreme deity that goes around punishing bad deeds (or whatever you think is a bad deed in your narrow definition of the Universe with you being it's belly-button).
Let's see.
Karma (Sanskrit: कर्म IPA: [ˈkərmə] in Indian religions is the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called saṃsāra) originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Buddhist and Sikh philosophies.
Sure, cause and effect. BUT, not in this life, ladies and gentlemen. Whatever karmic burden you accumulate in this life will decide what you will choose to expiate it in the next life. When you reincarnate. so don't think that the guy who left you for a prettier (or less nagging) woman, if he got in a fender-bender, or lost his job, or (even better) broke up with the woman he left you for - don't think he got hit by this volatile entity named Karma. Because there is no such thing. He just had a streak of bad luck, or you've sent so much negative energy his way that you caused it, or simply IT JUST HAPPENED, without you or anyone else having any causality on it.
I'm all for syncretism, but for goodness's sake, at least get the terminology right and try to understand what you are saying, so you wouldn't look like ignoramuses.
Anyway. The Karma thing. I see more and more often "oh, don't worry, he'll get it. Karma's a bitch". Or "she doesn't know what it's in store for her, karma will bring bad stuff back to her threefold".
No, people, it won't. Karma is not the "threefold law" of the wiccans. It's not some supreme deity that goes around punishing bad deeds (or whatever you think is a bad deed in your narrow definition of the Universe with you being it's belly-button).
Let's see.
Karma (Sanskrit: कर्म IPA: [ˈkərmə] in Indian religions is the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called saṃsāra) originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Buddhist and Sikh philosophies.
Sure, cause and effect. BUT, not in this life, ladies and gentlemen. Whatever karmic burden you accumulate in this life will decide what you will choose to expiate it in the next life. When you reincarnate. so don't think that the guy who left you for a prettier (or less nagging) woman, if he got in a fender-bender, or lost his job, or (even better) broke up with the woman he left you for - don't think he got hit by this volatile entity named Karma. Because there is no such thing. He just had a streak of bad luck, or you've sent so much negative energy his way that you caused it, or simply IT JUST HAPPENED, without you or anyone else having any causality on it.
I'm all for syncretism, but for goodness's sake, at least get the terminology right and try to understand what you are saying, so you wouldn't look like ignoramuses.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Phew
I know, it's been quite a while since I last wrote. As I said, I'm not very good with writing down "dear diary" style.
Anyway. It's really hard right now to get used to being alone again. He said "you were living alone for years before we got together and you were doing just fine" and I replied "yes, but at the time I was fairly healthy, not partially disabled by long-term side effects of cancer treatment".
I'm getting better though. In a way. My exercises with the 2 lbs dumb-bells are going good. I do cheat a little for the second and third round of exercises of the day. The first round I stand up. The other ones - I do them while sitting on the couch watching movies. I am careful to keep my torso nice and vertical and my shoulders pulled back. I am able now to do 25-50 move batches. Which is great. And I'm doing some core exercises, abdomen, legs and specifically thighs exercises. And I can already see (after 10 days of doing it) results - the most noticeable is the fact that now I can get up from sitting on the floor without needing to prop myself on a piece of furniture.
I'll try taping the exercises I do - maybe some of you who read this have had a LD flap reconstruction too and are researching exercises that would help you get back in shape.
Oh yes, and I need to post updated photos of the garden.
Here are some photos though, of my latest "Goddess spirit dolls".
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Doctor's visit.
Ok, so yesterday at the oncologist was quite the experience.
I had had in the last few days this nagging pain somewhere in my back, about where my right kidney will be. It's a weird pain, it feels like there is something holding there, you know, like when you button a shirt that is too tight. I know I had the same sensation back in 1992 when I had a kidney stone, and with one of the last MRIs showing I have kidney cysts (which all doctors assured me is very common for my age and totally harmless) I was worried. But, it doesn't really feel like a kidney pain, because when I press there (there is a specific point) it feels like there is something bothering me right under the skin. It's right at the end of the scar from the Latissimus Dorsi harvesting incision. The oncologist, Dr. Gregory Parker said that he thinks that I might have a bruised (or even hairline fractured) rib and there is some swelling in that area. I think that I probably broke the scar tissue (as I have a very large area of scar tissue right under the skin there) and probably that is messing up. Anyway, he said that if it doesn't go away in a month or if it gets worse he's order a scan.
He also ordered lots of blood tests. I love him. He's one of those doctors who discusses with the patients about all their worries, and about all the aspects of the treatment, even dieting and life-style. He also told me I need to start walking more. Went today and got some very comfortable walking shoes - nothing "brand" or expensive. Guess I'll start going around the neighborhood in the morning.
I had had in the last few days this nagging pain somewhere in my back, about where my right kidney will be. It's a weird pain, it feels like there is something holding there, you know, like when you button a shirt that is too tight. I know I had the same sensation back in 1992 when I had a kidney stone, and with one of the last MRIs showing I have kidney cysts (which all doctors assured me is very common for my age and totally harmless) I was worried. But, it doesn't really feel like a kidney pain, because when I press there (there is a specific point) it feels like there is something bothering me right under the skin. It's right at the end of the scar from the Latissimus Dorsi harvesting incision. The oncologist, Dr. Gregory Parker said that he thinks that I might have a bruised (or even hairline fractured) rib and there is some swelling in that area. I think that I probably broke the scar tissue (as I have a very large area of scar tissue right under the skin there) and probably that is messing up. Anyway, he said that if it doesn't go away in a month or if it gets worse he's order a scan.
He also ordered lots of blood tests. I love him. He's one of those doctors who discusses with the patients about all their worries, and about all the aspects of the treatment, even dieting and life-style. He also told me I need to start walking more. Went today and got some very comfortable walking shoes - nothing "brand" or expensive. Guess I'll start going around the neighborhood in the morning.
Little bugs.
This is something I wrote last year, but it's still actual now.
On of my online "sisters" (read: breast cancer sisters) recently was complaining on how hard pressured she feels about "being the good cancer patient", while she was feeling guilty for not having any urges to go backpacking to "rah rah meetings" to give speeches as a model cancer patient/survivor. Of feeling like she's doing it all wrong all the time. All these little things, like little bugs creeping over her life.
I think that I have my little bugs too. Even if I was never (well maybe in my teenagehood) affected by what others said and thought. My motto was always "is this person important to me? Does their opinion affect my life, my career, my family? Are they the ones who pay my bills and do my laundry and cook for me? NO? Then why in the world I would give a rat's turd about what they think?" - oh, and also, numerous times I was not afraid or shy to tell them in their faces the exact same thing.
I had my share of "get your backpack on and go". So if now I get any kind of hints on that, I remind those persons of what I did and ask them what exactly did they do themselves in this respect. To the "I think you should..." and "if I were you I would..." I reply "well, when you will have breast cancer and go through this yourself, then feel free to do so".
This is MY life and I live it how I think it should be lived, not how others think. Yes, I had the bad luck of getting BC - but then I will make the best of what I have left. I do have my up and downs, like everybody else. When I get the blues of "I cant' do this or that" I look back and say "yes, but I did this, and that, and that" and then maybe spend my time remembering the beauty of what was. It is a treasure that BC cannot rob me of.
Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was never impressed by declarations of "xxx disease made me a better person", to be honest, I always thought the disease must have done something to those people's head. How in the world can one be grateful for this? Such a hypocrisy, in the run for the spotlight. Ask ANY of those people, if there was a miracle and they could change this "wonderful experience" and this "better person" they've become to NOT having cancer, would they refuse it? Really?
Did BC make me a "better person"? Not at all. It just made me a different person. Maybe even a worse person by some people's standards, but who cares about them?
At this time in my life I am less forgiving. Little dramas and spotlight shows that in the past I would overlook and let pass, now I either shove out of my life, or call to attention the person doing it. If they don't like it and don't change their behavior, then good riddance. I don't know how much of my life I have left, but I am determined to NOT have room in it for unimportant things.The disease made me re-assess the values and importance of things and people in my life.
I will never always choose what is less important over me sitting in the garden watching the squirrels cajoling or me playing my favorite online game. How I want to live my life is more important than what a doctor, a "friend" or an acquaintance thinks.
I might have no power on the length of my life, but I do have the power on the quality of it.
And who doesn't like it, oh well, too bad. I don't care.
On of my online "sisters" (read: breast cancer sisters) recently was complaining on how hard pressured she feels about "being the good cancer patient", while she was feeling guilty for not having any urges to go backpacking to "rah rah meetings" to give speeches as a model cancer patient/survivor. Of feeling like she's doing it all wrong all the time. All these little things, like little bugs creeping over her life.
I think that I have my little bugs too. Even if I was never (well maybe in my teenagehood) affected by what others said and thought. My motto was always "is this person important to me? Does their opinion affect my life, my career, my family? Are they the ones who pay my bills and do my laundry and cook for me? NO? Then why in the world I would give a rat's turd about what they think?" - oh, and also, numerous times I was not afraid or shy to tell them in their faces the exact same thing.
I had my share of "get your backpack on and go". So if now I get any kind of hints on that, I remind those persons of what I did and ask them what exactly did they do themselves in this respect. To the "I think you should..." and "if I were you I would..." I reply "well, when you will have breast cancer and go through this yourself, then feel free to do so".
This is MY life and I live it how I think it should be lived, not how others think. Yes, I had the bad luck of getting BC - but then I will make the best of what I have left. I do have my up and downs, like everybody else. When I get the blues of "I cant' do this or that" I look back and say "yes, but I did this, and that, and that" and then maybe spend my time remembering the beauty of what was. It is a treasure that BC cannot rob me of.
Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was never impressed by declarations of "xxx disease made me a better person", to be honest, I always thought the disease must have done something to those people's head. How in the world can one be grateful for this? Such a hypocrisy, in the run for the spotlight. Ask ANY of those people, if there was a miracle and they could change this "wonderful experience" and this "better person" they've become to NOT having cancer, would they refuse it? Really?
Did BC make me a "better person"? Not at all. It just made me a different person. Maybe even a worse person by some people's standards, but who cares about them?
At this time in my life I am less forgiving. Little dramas and spotlight shows that in the past I would overlook and let pass, now I either shove out of my life, or call to attention the person doing it. If they don't like it and don't change their behavior, then good riddance. I don't know how much of my life I have left, but I am determined to NOT have room in it for unimportant things.The disease made me re-assess the values and importance of things and people in my life.
I will never always choose what is less important over me sitting in the garden watching the squirrels cajoling or me playing my favorite online game. How I want to live my life is more important than what a doctor, a "friend" or an acquaintance thinks.
I might have no power on the length of my life, but I do have the power on the quality of it.
And who doesn't like it, oh well, too bad. I don't care.
Doomsday
Ok, I do have a thing against "doomsday worshipers" and "conspiracy theory" addicts. Big time.Don't get me wrong, there are many things going on in this world, many hidden things, many terrible things.
But there are people who see in everything and anything either the "doomsday prophecy" or the "conspiracy".
Let's take the first ones. First of all, yes, there are so many things that could go wrong. I am sure that there is something that has started to happen, and soon more things are going to happen, that will not be that good for humanity in general.
No, I do not believe in an "end of the world date", like December 21, 2012. Ok, let's take this one, for example. It is supposed to be the date the world will end by the Mayan prophecy. Didn't find myself anything of the sorts in the prophecy, but let's get past it. December 21, 2012. 12/21/2012. Ok, how does this make sense. Numerologically speaking, occult numbers have a tendency to present a symmetry. So, this date written in reverse would be 21021221. No symmetry. Even if we try to write the date by the rest of the world's standards (not the American ones), 21/12/2012, reversed it's 21022112.
Doesn't make sense, does it? 21/02/2012 (American date style)would make sense, but noooooo, they want the Winter Solstice. Has to be on the Winter solstice. Why? beats me.
Some people go as far with the obsession as to see "meaningful" numbers everywhere.
Example.
Yes, this is the young woman who "predicted" the big earthquake in Japan (sheer luck, if you ask me), who is obsessed with "comet Elenin" and who, sometime before the end of March has posted a video that "something bad is going to happen" and she is running away in the mountains and advises everyone to go away from the coastal areas. Nothing happened, she didn't post any more videos, but on her channel it can be seen she logs in almost daily. Well, she had her 5 minutes of fame and then blundered big time.
Now, the conspiracy theory ones.
There is this young guy on youtube, who did stumble on some interesting "coincidences" when it comes to earthquakes (well, minus the conspiracy theory part) and if he would have gone on that line with his videos, he would probably have been really successful. He gathered quite a number of followers for a while. But recently it seems he's obsessed with HAARP. And "HAARP rings". You know, those shapes that sometimes appear on certain types of radar, either circular or square or sometimes in other shapes, when they put in motion the decluttering "devices". Yes, in his opinion those are "HAARP rings". Not only that, but whenever there is a "HAARP ring" there will be a tornado (or an earthquake, take your pick). Recently, there was this storm line that appeared "out of nowhere", and stretched across the country, and right on the spots where he had noticed on the Intellicast radar some "HAARP rings" (note: the Intellicast radar is one of the radars that does show these weird shapes sometimes because of their method of removing the clutter). The storm that had produced that tornado in Iowa. Yessir, it was HAARP. It doesn't matter it's middle of April almost, it's the Midwest and Southern Plains, and for times immemorable, that means storms and tornadoes. And that the typical way the storms develop is "out of nowhere" (read: when the cold dry air from the north meets the warm humid air from the Golf of Mexico) and forms the typical lines of storms that go SW to NE and usually stretch from SW Texas tot he Great Lakes, moving eastward. Always.
What is the most frightening, are some of the comments to his videos.
Examples:
"I have never seen storms like that in my life" - really, dude? Are you several months old or something?
"On the NLE 2011 FACT sheet it clearly states it will "Simulate a catastrophic earthquake in the central United States" How do you duplicate an actual earthquake to occur?? They have the power and technologies. If you know anyone in that region you should warn them. Don't trust the government." - This one made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Sorry, young man, simulation does not equal duplication. What's next? Believing that in Civil War re-enactments people actually kill each other?
"I noticed some weird massive rings over texas/mexico yesterday when the line really did blow up all the way across. Perfectly at the center of the massive ring was Corpus Christi. Another one was Del Rio. It looked as if the storm line was being shot out from those locations like a solar flare or an eruption. It was unusual to say the least." - About as unusual as flowers blooming in spring, yes.
Anyway. I have a feeling these are subjects I will return to quite often.
But there are people who see in everything and anything either the "doomsday prophecy" or the "conspiracy".
Let's take the first ones. First of all, yes, there are so many things that could go wrong. I am sure that there is something that has started to happen, and soon more things are going to happen, that will not be that good for humanity in general.
No, I do not believe in an "end of the world date", like December 21, 2012. Ok, let's take this one, for example. It is supposed to be the date the world will end by the Mayan prophecy. Didn't find myself anything of the sorts in the prophecy, but let's get past it. December 21, 2012. 12/21/2012. Ok, how does this make sense. Numerologically speaking, occult numbers have a tendency to present a symmetry. So, this date written in reverse would be 21021221. No symmetry. Even if we try to write the date by the rest of the world's standards (not the American ones), 21/12/2012, reversed it's 21022112.
Doesn't make sense, does it? 21/02/2012 (American date style)would make sense, but noooooo, they want the Winter Solstice. Has to be on the Winter solstice. Why? beats me.
Some people go as far with the obsession as to see "meaningful" numbers everywhere.
Example.
Yes, this is the young woman who "predicted" the big earthquake in Japan (sheer luck, if you ask me), who is obsessed with "comet Elenin" and who, sometime before the end of March has posted a video that "something bad is going to happen" and she is running away in the mountains and advises everyone to go away from the coastal areas. Nothing happened, she didn't post any more videos, but on her channel it can be seen she logs in almost daily. Well, she had her 5 minutes of fame and then blundered big time.
Now, the conspiracy theory ones.
There is this young guy on youtube, who did stumble on some interesting "coincidences" when it comes to earthquakes (well, minus the conspiracy theory part) and if he would have gone on that line with his videos, he would probably have been really successful. He gathered quite a number of followers for a while. But recently it seems he's obsessed with HAARP. And "HAARP rings". You know, those shapes that sometimes appear on certain types of radar, either circular or square or sometimes in other shapes, when they put in motion the decluttering "devices". Yes, in his opinion those are "HAARP rings". Not only that, but whenever there is a "HAARP ring" there will be a tornado (or an earthquake, take your pick). Recently, there was this storm line that appeared "out of nowhere", and stretched across the country, and right on the spots where he had noticed on the Intellicast radar some "HAARP rings" (note: the Intellicast radar is one of the radars that does show these weird shapes sometimes because of their method of removing the clutter). The storm that had produced that tornado in Iowa. Yessir, it was HAARP. It doesn't matter it's middle of April almost, it's the Midwest and Southern Plains, and for times immemorable, that means storms and tornadoes. And that the typical way the storms develop is "out of nowhere" (read: when the cold dry air from the north meets the warm humid air from the Golf of Mexico) and forms the typical lines of storms that go SW to NE and usually stretch from SW Texas tot he Great Lakes, moving eastward. Always.
What is the most frightening, are some of the comments to his videos.
Examples:
"I have never seen storms like that in my life" - really, dude? Are you several months old or something?
"On the NLE 2011 FACT sheet it clearly states it will "Simulate a catastrophic earthquake in the central United States" How do you duplicate an actual earthquake to occur?? They have the power and technologies. If you know anyone in that region you should warn them. Don't trust the government." - This one made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Sorry, young man, simulation does not equal duplication. What's next? Believing that in Civil War re-enactments people actually kill each other?
"I noticed some weird massive rings over texas/mexico yesterday when the line really did blow up all the way across. Perfectly at the center of the massive ring was Corpus Christi. Another one was Del Rio. It looked as if the storm line was being shot out from those locations like a solar flare or an eruption. It was unusual to say the least." - About as unusual as flowers blooming in spring, yes.
Anyway. I have a feeling these are subjects I will return to quite often.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Quite some time
Ok, it's been quite some time since I wrote in here. Been busy like crazy.
My sweetheart left for Afghanistan this past Saturday. I cannot believe I will not see him for such a long time - he is supposed to be there for a whole year. I hope he will be able to come home in a vacation - he should have a 2 week one.
Yes, I cried after he left. I tried not to cry in front of him, as he was feeling bad enough as it is. But after he left the flood gates broke.
There are a few things I want to write about - some things about my garden, some things about "how can sheeple be manipulated" and a few other things, but right now I need to start getting ready to go to a dr. appointment. Where I will probably get my behind chewed for not being able to bear laying down for an hour and a half for an MRI, because my back started hurting so bad.
Oh well. Later.
My sweetheart left for Afghanistan this past Saturday. I cannot believe I will not see him for such a long time - he is supposed to be there for a whole year. I hope he will be able to come home in a vacation - he should have a 2 week one.
Yes, I cried after he left. I tried not to cry in front of him, as he was feeling bad enough as it is. But after he left the flood gates broke.
There are a few things I want to write about - some things about my garden, some things about "how can sheeple be manipulated" and a few other things, but right now I need to start getting ready to go to a dr. appointment. Where I will probably get my behind chewed for not being able to bear laying down for an hour and a half for an MRI, because my back started hurting so bad.
Oh well. Later.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Facebook campaign.
Oh my! Oh woe! Last year it was the "bra color" so called breast cancer awareness. Now it's the "fruit" breast cancer awareness. Not even remotely related to cancer, or breasts for the reason (unless you can consider pear and apple and avocados and such a type of breast shape, but what do you do with raspberries and grapes?), just "for fun" and "to confuse guys". What does "confusing guys" have to do with breast cancer awareness?
From the point of view of a breast cancer survivor, this is so insensitive that it's beyond words. People with empty minds not able to see better than Charlie Sheen's last stunt and the last "survivor" and "dancing with the stars" are flocking in. Some are in such a hurry to join this game, that not only didn't realize they are not supposed to post on the event's page, just in the status, but some got so carried by the wave that they are still in the "bra color" stage and post "zebra print" instead of fruits. And then you'll have women all over crying out loud that they are objectified and considered empty-headed ninnies.
This time I got so upset tht I started a Facebook event of my own.
It's not about breast cancer awareness. It's not about weird, "fun" statuses. It's about getting as many participants as possible by the end of May then challenges the big dudes, like mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, ya know? to donate $1 for each participant to a non-profit that provides financial help to breast cancer patients who cannot afford treatment.
Join in this effort!
The REAL Breast Cancer Facebook game
From the point of view of a breast cancer survivor, this is so insensitive that it's beyond words. People with empty minds not able to see better than Charlie Sheen's last stunt and the last "survivor" and "dancing with the stars" are flocking in. Some are in such a hurry to join this game, that not only didn't realize they are not supposed to post on the event's page, just in the status, but some got so carried by the wave that they are still in the "bra color" stage and post "zebra print" instead of fruits. And then you'll have women all over crying out loud that they are objectified and considered empty-headed ninnies.
This time I got so upset tht I started a Facebook event of my own.
It's not about breast cancer awareness. It's not about weird, "fun" statuses. It's about getting as many participants as possible by the end of May then challenges the big dudes, like mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, ya know? to donate $1 for each participant to a non-profit that provides financial help to breast cancer patients who cannot afford treatment.
Join in this effort!
The REAL Breast Cancer Facebook game
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
One step forward, one step back
Ok, so this morning I got wonderful news. Last week I had a head/orbital scan; my eyes were acting kind of funny, so my eye doctor - who is a specialist in Graves eye disease - had ordered one. He called me this morning to say that there was only a mild thickening of the eye muscles (quite common in people with Graves Disease) but that there was no evidence of tumors anywhere. Phew!
Now the bad part came at noon. I had to go for an MRI of the right hip and femur. I started having lower back, and hip pain back in December. If I stood up for more than 15 minutes, the pain was there, and if I wouldn't sit right away, it would get so bad I needed a cane to walk.
My oncologist ordered a lower spine MRI in February. That one came with only "mild hypertrophy of the facets" so a mild arthritis possibly. The pain though got worse and this time involving the right hip. So he ordered another MRI.
The problem was, the moment they made me lay down on the MRI "table" I knew I was in trouble. It was already hurting. When they said that it would take about an hour and a half for the scan, I started thinking that I wouldn't be able to bear it. And I was right. I tried to go as much as I could, and the pain was just getting worse and worse, until I just had to call them to take me out. If I could have been able to stand it for 10 more minutes, it would have been wonderful. But I couldn't. I had to be helped to get up, and then I needed a wheel chair to get back to my car.
Yes, I feel like crying right now. And you know what? I have the right to.
I hate cancer. I hate that it came in my life, interrupting it, when I was as happy as I haven't been in a long time. I hate the year and a half of hell I've been through with the surgeries and the chemotherapy. I hate all these lingering side effects I'm struggling with. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Now the bad part came at noon. I had to go for an MRI of the right hip and femur. I started having lower back, and hip pain back in December. If I stood up for more than 15 minutes, the pain was there, and if I wouldn't sit right away, it would get so bad I needed a cane to walk.
My oncologist ordered a lower spine MRI in February. That one came with only "mild hypertrophy of the facets" so a mild arthritis possibly. The pain though got worse and this time involving the right hip. So he ordered another MRI.
The problem was, the moment they made me lay down on the MRI "table" I knew I was in trouble. It was already hurting. When they said that it would take about an hour and a half for the scan, I started thinking that I wouldn't be able to bear it. And I was right. I tried to go as much as I could, and the pain was just getting worse and worse, until I just had to call them to take me out. If I could have been able to stand it for 10 more minutes, it would have been wonderful. But I couldn't. I had to be helped to get up, and then I needed a wheel chair to get back to my car.
Yes, I feel like crying right now. And you know what? I have the right to.
I hate cancer. I hate that it came in my life, interrupting it, when I was as happy as I haven't been in a long time. I hate the year and a half of hell I've been through with the surgeries and the chemotherapy. I hate all these lingering side effects I'm struggling with. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The gardens
So. I finally finished the flower beds in the front yard. It was the work of a week. Two years ago it would have taken me a few hours.
I think it will take a long, long time for me to recover the strength of my arms and hands, at least partially. I know it will never be the way it was before.
What's different, you ask? Well, in 2009, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had opted to have a bilateral mastectomy, as I didn't want to possibly go through the same crap again with the other breast - great idea, as the pathology showed it was getting ready to get the big C word too - and also have an immediate reconstruction.
The reconstruction was of the kind that is called a "Latissimus Dorsi flap". They take the big muscles that run from underarm to your waist, they cut them at the waist-line end, they turn them around under the skin, and they put them on your chest. To hold implants. Normally, a piece of skin is taken too, to replace the breast skin that was taken during the mastectomy. I didn't need that, as I had a skin sparing mastectomy. Well, in the long run, I discovered that I wouldn't have needed the LD flap anyway, but I guess my plastic surgeon wanted to add more stuff to his portfolio. It was a harsh experience. For some reason, my battered chest did not like what was going on, and the result was a complete butcher job. I was furious at my plastic surgeon. Especially when I saw how easy he was taking everything, and with the "we'll fix that at the revision". Before the revision, a year after the main surgery, he told me that he couldn't understand what had happened. He did the revision ( I am glad I didn't ditch him to go to another surgeon) and he created a work of art. My new breasts look fabulous, and the most important, very natural. Like the breasts I had when I was 17, only double the size (couldn't convince him to put smaller implants). And on top of that, I will never need a bra for the rest of my life! Can you imagine? a 80 years old with perky boobs? bwahahaha!
Anyway. When it comes to the "look" part, everything is wonderful. When it comes to the quality of life part, it's horrendous. He realized too late that this is not a surgery to use on an ex-gymnast, because we have that muscle well developed and the torso relies on it very strongly when it comes to stabilizing the torso upright. Initially he had said "only if you are a professional swimmer or tennis player you might have problems". That was true... not!
I would say my arm and hand strength is now probably around 25% of what it was. I can't open jars - or even a coke bottle - by myself. If I wash dishes, and there is something to scrub, I can do the scrubbing motion for about 10 times after which I am in pain. If I stand up for more than 10 minutes or if I sit for more than 30 (without a back rest), my back hurts.
He also forgot to say that for the rest of my life I will not be allowed to do any exercises that work out the pectoral muscles - because that would move the implants (my implants are covered by the chest muscle totally, then the upper part by the pectoralis major muscle, and the bottom part by the latissimus dorsi muscle). There is no worry about overworking the latissimus dorsi muscle though, as it is by now separated from the pedicle. It was really annoying in the first year, after the first surgery, as any move I would make with my arm, my new "breasts" would start jumping up and down or flatten towards my armpit. I felt like a monster.
Anyway, this is how the LD flap is realized:
So, now you see why my flower beds took so long to do. But - and this is the most important - I did it!
And they look good.
I think it will take a long, long time for me to recover the strength of my arms and hands, at least partially. I know it will never be the way it was before.
What's different, you ask? Well, in 2009, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had opted to have a bilateral mastectomy, as I didn't want to possibly go through the same crap again with the other breast - great idea, as the pathology showed it was getting ready to get the big C word too - and also have an immediate reconstruction.
The reconstruction was of the kind that is called a "Latissimus Dorsi flap". They take the big muscles that run from underarm to your waist, they cut them at the waist-line end, they turn them around under the skin, and they put them on your chest. To hold implants. Normally, a piece of skin is taken too, to replace the breast skin that was taken during the mastectomy. I didn't need that, as I had a skin sparing mastectomy. Well, in the long run, I discovered that I wouldn't have needed the LD flap anyway, but I guess my plastic surgeon wanted to add more stuff to his portfolio. It was a harsh experience. For some reason, my battered chest did not like what was going on, and the result was a complete butcher job. I was furious at my plastic surgeon. Especially when I saw how easy he was taking everything, and with the "we'll fix that at the revision". Before the revision, a year after the main surgery, he told me that he couldn't understand what had happened. He did the revision ( I am glad I didn't ditch him to go to another surgeon) and he created a work of art. My new breasts look fabulous, and the most important, very natural. Like the breasts I had when I was 17, only double the size (couldn't convince him to put smaller implants). And on top of that, I will never need a bra for the rest of my life! Can you imagine? a 80 years old with perky boobs? bwahahaha!
Anyway. When it comes to the "look" part, everything is wonderful. When it comes to the quality of life part, it's horrendous. He realized too late that this is not a surgery to use on an ex-gymnast, because we have that muscle well developed and the torso relies on it very strongly when it comes to stabilizing the torso upright. Initially he had said "only if you are a professional swimmer or tennis player you might have problems". That was true... not!
I would say my arm and hand strength is now probably around 25% of what it was. I can't open jars - or even a coke bottle - by myself. If I wash dishes, and there is something to scrub, I can do the scrubbing motion for about 10 times after which I am in pain. If I stand up for more than 10 minutes or if I sit for more than 30 (without a back rest), my back hurts.
He also forgot to say that for the rest of my life I will not be allowed to do any exercises that work out the pectoral muscles - because that would move the implants (my implants are covered by the chest muscle totally, then the upper part by the pectoralis major muscle, and the bottom part by the latissimus dorsi muscle). There is no worry about overworking the latissimus dorsi muscle though, as it is by now separated from the pedicle. It was really annoying in the first year, after the first surgery, as any move I would make with my arm, my new "breasts" would start jumping up and down or flatten towards my armpit. I felt like a monster.
Anyway, this is how the LD flap is realized:
So, now you see why my flower beds took so long to do. But - and this is the most important - I did it!
And they look good.
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