Oh my! Oh woe! Last year it was the "bra color" so called breast cancer awareness. Now it's the "fruit" breast cancer awareness. Not even remotely related to cancer, or breasts for the reason (unless you can consider pear and apple and avocados and such a type of breast shape, but what do you do with raspberries and grapes?), just "for fun" and "to confuse guys". What does "confusing guys" have to do with breast cancer awareness?
From the point of view of a breast cancer survivor, this is so insensitive that it's beyond words. People with empty minds not able to see better than Charlie Sheen's last stunt and the last "survivor" and "dancing with the stars" are flocking in. Some are in such a hurry to join this game, that not only didn't realize they are not supposed to post on the event's page, just in the status, but some got so carried by the wave that they are still in the "bra color" stage and post "zebra print" instead of fruits. And then you'll have women all over crying out loud that they are objectified and considered empty-headed ninnies.
This time I got so upset tht I started a Facebook event of my own.
It's not about breast cancer awareness. It's not about weird, "fun" statuses. It's about getting as many participants as possible by the end of May then challenges the big dudes, like mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, ya know? to donate $1 for each participant to a non-profit that provides financial help to breast cancer patients who cannot afford treatment.
Join in this effort!
The REAL Breast Cancer Facebook game
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
One step forward, one step back
Ok, so this morning I got wonderful news. Last week I had a head/orbital scan; my eyes were acting kind of funny, so my eye doctor - who is a specialist in Graves eye disease - had ordered one. He called me this morning to say that there was only a mild thickening of the eye muscles (quite common in people with Graves Disease) but that there was no evidence of tumors anywhere. Phew!
Now the bad part came at noon. I had to go for an MRI of the right hip and femur. I started having lower back, and hip pain back in December. If I stood up for more than 15 minutes, the pain was there, and if I wouldn't sit right away, it would get so bad I needed a cane to walk.
My oncologist ordered a lower spine MRI in February. That one came with only "mild hypertrophy of the facets" so a mild arthritis possibly. The pain though got worse and this time involving the right hip. So he ordered another MRI.
The problem was, the moment they made me lay down on the MRI "table" I knew I was in trouble. It was already hurting. When they said that it would take about an hour and a half for the scan, I started thinking that I wouldn't be able to bear it. And I was right. I tried to go as much as I could, and the pain was just getting worse and worse, until I just had to call them to take me out. If I could have been able to stand it for 10 more minutes, it would have been wonderful. But I couldn't. I had to be helped to get up, and then I needed a wheel chair to get back to my car.
Yes, I feel like crying right now. And you know what? I have the right to.
I hate cancer. I hate that it came in my life, interrupting it, when I was as happy as I haven't been in a long time. I hate the year and a half of hell I've been through with the surgeries and the chemotherapy. I hate all these lingering side effects I'm struggling with. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Now the bad part came at noon. I had to go for an MRI of the right hip and femur. I started having lower back, and hip pain back in December. If I stood up for more than 15 minutes, the pain was there, and if I wouldn't sit right away, it would get so bad I needed a cane to walk.
My oncologist ordered a lower spine MRI in February. That one came with only "mild hypertrophy of the facets" so a mild arthritis possibly. The pain though got worse and this time involving the right hip. So he ordered another MRI.
The problem was, the moment they made me lay down on the MRI "table" I knew I was in trouble. It was already hurting. When they said that it would take about an hour and a half for the scan, I started thinking that I wouldn't be able to bear it. And I was right. I tried to go as much as I could, and the pain was just getting worse and worse, until I just had to call them to take me out. If I could have been able to stand it for 10 more minutes, it would have been wonderful. But I couldn't. I had to be helped to get up, and then I needed a wheel chair to get back to my car.
Yes, I feel like crying right now. And you know what? I have the right to.
I hate cancer. I hate that it came in my life, interrupting it, when I was as happy as I haven't been in a long time. I hate the year and a half of hell I've been through with the surgeries and the chemotherapy. I hate all these lingering side effects I'm struggling with. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The gardens
So. I finally finished the flower beds in the front yard. It was the work of a week. Two years ago it would have taken me a few hours.
I think it will take a long, long time for me to recover the strength of my arms and hands, at least partially. I know it will never be the way it was before.
What's different, you ask? Well, in 2009, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had opted to have a bilateral mastectomy, as I didn't want to possibly go through the same crap again with the other breast - great idea, as the pathology showed it was getting ready to get the big C word too - and also have an immediate reconstruction.
The reconstruction was of the kind that is called a "Latissimus Dorsi flap". They take the big muscles that run from underarm to your waist, they cut them at the waist-line end, they turn them around under the skin, and they put them on your chest. To hold implants. Normally, a piece of skin is taken too, to replace the breast skin that was taken during the mastectomy. I didn't need that, as I had a skin sparing mastectomy. Well, in the long run, I discovered that I wouldn't have needed the LD flap anyway, but I guess my plastic surgeon wanted to add more stuff to his portfolio. It was a harsh experience. For some reason, my battered chest did not like what was going on, and the result was a complete butcher job. I was furious at my plastic surgeon. Especially when I saw how easy he was taking everything, and with the "we'll fix that at the revision". Before the revision, a year after the main surgery, he told me that he couldn't understand what had happened. He did the revision ( I am glad I didn't ditch him to go to another surgeon) and he created a work of art. My new breasts look fabulous, and the most important, very natural. Like the breasts I had when I was 17, only double the size (couldn't convince him to put smaller implants). And on top of that, I will never need a bra for the rest of my life! Can you imagine? a 80 years old with perky boobs? bwahahaha!
Anyway. When it comes to the "look" part, everything is wonderful. When it comes to the quality of life part, it's horrendous. He realized too late that this is not a surgery to use on an ex-gymnast, because we have that muscle well developed and the torso relies on it very strongly when it comes to stabilizing the torso upright. Initially he had said "only if you are a professional swimmer or tennis player you might have problems". That was true... not!
I would say my arm and hand strength is now probably around 25% of what it was. I can't open jars - or even a coke bottle - by myself. If I wash dishes, and there is something to scrub, I can do the scrubbing motion for about 10 times after which I am in pain. If I stand up for more than 10 minutes or if I sit for more than 30 (without a back rest), my back hurts.
He also forgot to say that for the rest of my life I will not be allowed to do any exercises that work out the pectoral muscles - because that would move the implants (my implants are covered by the chest muscle totally, then the upper part by the pectoralis major muscle, and the bottom part by the latissimus dorsi muscle). There is no worry about overworking the latissimus dorsi muscle though, as it is by now separated from the pedicle. It was really annoying in the first year, after the first surgery, as any move I would make with my arm, my new "breasts" would start jumping up and down or flatten towards my armpit. I felt like a monster.
Anyway, this is how the LD flap is realized:
So, now you see why my flower beds took so long to do. But - and this is the most important - I did it!
And they look good.
I think it will take a long, long time for me to recover the strength of my arms and hands, at least partially. I know it will never be the way it was before.
What's different, you ask? Well, in 2009, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had opted to have a bilateral mastectomy, as I didn't want to possibly go through the same crap again with the other breast - great idea, as the pathology showed it was getting ready to get the big C word too - and also have an immediate reconstruction.
The reconstruction was of the kind that is called a "Latissimus Dorsi flap". They take the big muscles that run from underarm to your waist, they cut them at the waist-line end, they turn them around under the skin, and they put them on your chest. To hold implants. Normally, a piece of skin is taken too, to replace the breast skin that was taken during the mastectomy. I didn't need that, as I had a skin sparing mastectomy. Well, in the long run, I discovered that I wouldn't have needed the LD flap anyway, but I guess my plastic surgeon wanted to add more stuff to his portfolio. It was a harsh experience. For some reason, my battered chest did not like what was going on, and the result was a complete butcher job. I was furious at my plastic surgeon. Especially when I saw how easy he was taking everything, and with the "we'll fix that at the revision". Before the revision, a year after the main surgery, he told me that he couldn't understand what had happened. He did the revision ( I am glad I didn't ditch him to go to another surgeon) and he created a work of art. My new breasts look fabulous, and the most important, very natural. Like the breasts I had when I was 17, only double the size (couldn't convince him to put smaller implants). And on top of that, I will never need a bra for the rest of my life! Can you imagine? a 80 years old with perky boobs? bwahahaha!
Anyway. When it comes to the "look" part, everything is wonderful. When it comes to the quality of life part, it's horrendous. He realized too late that this is not a surgery to use on an ex-gymnast, because we have that muscle well developed and the torso relies on it very strongly when it comes to stabilizing the torso upright. Initially he had said "only if you are a professional swimmer or tennis player you might have problems". That was true... not!
I would say my arm and hand strength is now probably around 25% of what it was. I can't open jars - or even a coke bottle - by myself. If I wash dishes, and there is something to scrub, I can do the scrubbing motion for about 10 times after which I am in pain. If I stand up for more than 10 minutes or if I sit for more than 30 (without a back rest), my back hurts.
He also forgot to say that for the rest of my life I will not be allowed to do any exercises that work out the pectoral muscles - because that would move the implants (my implants are covered by the chest muscle totally, then the upper part by the pectoralis major muscle, and the bottom part by the latissimus dorsi muscle). There is no worry about overworking the latissimus dorsi muscle though, as it is by now separated from the pedicle. It was really annoying in the first year, after the first surgery, as any move I would make with my arm, my new "breasts" would start jumping up and down or flatten towards my armpit. I felt like a monster.
Anyway, this is how the LD flap is realized:
So, now you see why my flower beds took so long to do. But - and this is the most important - I did it!
And they look good.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Ostara
Spring Equinox today. Ostara by the Western paganism. Day of the Cuckoo by my tradition.
I have waited for spring so long. This past winter seemed to be interminable.
Since my breast cancer diagnosis, this was the second winter I have asked myself if I'd live to see the spring again. I guess for the rest of my life that will be a permanent question in winter. Anything is harder in winter.
I'm digressing. The Spring Equinox.
My sweetheart is gone to camp - he will be deploying (his second deployment) in Afghanistan next month. I am looking to a very hard year without him.
Today it was just me and Ris. her husband was supposed to come, but was called to do 12 hours shifts at the base.
I wish I wasn't that tired by the time we started the ritual. This tiredness I can not get rid of. True, I am able now to do more things than a year ago, but still, compared to how I was two years ago, it almost makes me cry.
So, anyway, the ritual bread came up gorgeous. We charged the offerings and talked to the Gods. May they help us in the year to come.
I have waited for spring so long. This past winter seemed to be interminable.
Since my breast cancer diagnosis, this was the second winter I have asked myself if I'd live to see the spring again. I guess for the rest of my life that will be a permanent question in winter. Anything is harder in winter.
I'm digressing. The Spring Equinox.
My sweetheart is gone to camp - he will be deploying (his second deployment) in Afghanistan next month. I am looking to a very hard year without him.
Today it was just me and Ris. her husband was supposed to come, but was called to do 12 hours shifts at the base.
I wish I wasn't that tired by the time we started the ritual. This tiredness I can not get rid of. True, I am able now to do more things than a year ago, but still, compared to how I was two years ago, it almost makes me cry.
So, anyway, the ritual bread came up gorgeous. We charged the offerings and talked to the Gods. May they help us in the year to come.
From the start. Which start?
Good question. There have been many "starts" in my life. And between these starts are different personas, different "me"s, each with a different facies more or less, and a slightly different view on the world, but, of course, sharing the same core values. Yes, I can say the core values never got changed.
I am, as I discovered quite early in life, a rara avis. Even in the society I grew up, I was one. When it comes to the core values, of course. Why such a rare bird? Well, I'd say because I don't only talk about these core values, but because I do apply them in my every day life. Many, many people hate me for that. Well, many people hate me for who and what I am, but then, there are quite a good number of people who love me for the same reason. Not as many as the haters though.
So, anyway... core values. Yes, things like truth, commitment, devotion, loyalty. The "get up and do it" instead of "let's waste our time talking about how to do it". Pisses people off, because they don't have the opportunity to show what exceptional they would be once they decide to do something - because by the time the decide to do it I already finished it.
Pisses people off too because of my uncanny 6th sense when it comes to lies. And - yes, I think the thing that pisses people off the most is my bluntness about it. I never beat around the bushes. I come out and say in their face, "this is a lie". Even if it hurts feelings. Even if it pisses them off. No, I do not do it so I can piss them off, not at all. It comes from my core values. I think that if you start tiptoeing around a "delicate" issue, and you end by sweeping the crap under the carpet so it wouldn't be seen, people will still know it's under the carpet, and what's worse, it will stink. And in time you'll get a whole stinky mess under your carpet.
I prefer to sweep it out in the open, and get everything clean.
I am, as I discovered quite early in life, a rara avis. Even in the society I grew up, I was one. When it comes to the core values, of course. Why such a rare bird? Well, I'd say because I don't only talk about these core values, but because I do apply them in my every day life. Many, many people hate me for that. Well, many people hate me for who and what I am, but then, there are quite a good number of people who love me for the same reason. Not as many as the haters though.
So, anyway... core values. Yes, things like truth, commitment, devotion, loyalty. The "get up and do it" instead of "let's waste our time talking about how to do it". Pisses people off, because they don't have the opportunity to show what exceptional they would be once they decide to do something - because by the time the decide to do it I already finished it.
Pisses people off too because of my uncanny 6th sense when it comes to lies. And - yes, I think the thing that pisses people off the most is my bluntness about it. I never beat around the bushes. I come out and say in their face, "this is a lie". Even if it hurts feelings. Even if it pisses them off. No, I do not do it so I can piss them off, not at all. It comes from my core values. I think that if you start tiptoeing around a "delicate" issue, and you end by sweeping the crap under the carpet so it wouldn't be seen, people will still know it's under the carpet, and what's worse, it will stink. And in time you'll get a whole stinky mess under your carpet.
I prefer to sweep it out in the open, and get everything clean.
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