Holiday fiasco

When I "grew up" enough to move away from living with my parents, I've sworn myself that no matter where I'll be and no matter what I'll do, I will always have the Winter Tree up, and always celebrate the Winter Solstice.

This is my 12th year spent far away from my homeland. A little bit over 2 years have gone by since I heard the cancer diagnostic. It's been only 3 months since I've last seen my beloved, for a short 10 days when he came home on leave from deployment. And I fail to have the joy in my heart this year.

I might have been in pain for too long. That may have contributed to my feeling down as of late. My sweetheart not being here, and being so far away from him has been the major part, I think.

Always at this time of the year I would go on youtube and watch videos of traditional Romanian rites and carols and dances and songs. Some are pagan (the dances and the rites), some are Christian (most of the carols) and for a while I've always had the peaceful feeling of the winter holidays that I had in Romania: a whole country, a whole community celebrating the hope. That is the Winter solstice, that is the Birth of Jesus: Hope. In winter, in the longest nights of the year, when everything is cold and gloomy, you know that finally the light will start grow longer and brighter. The same as you know that the seeds, down in the ground, stir and get ready to germinate. It's the hope of the spring to come.

I am not able to get in that mood this year. I knew, and I told him, that this winter will probably be the hardest of my life. It doesn't help that we had a mild fall and winter here in Oklahoma, and there are still plenty of green things out, the lawns are green, my leatherleaf bush is in bloom, the bulbs I planted in November are out already (daylillies and irises), I cannot get rid of this gloomy feeling.

The fact that I have been in pain with no total relief for the last two years probably wore me down. I did find out that my hip pain is from bursitis and my shoulder pain is from shoulder impingement (hello, LD flap breast reconstruction!), but it is beyond frustration when I go to see the doctors complaining of pain and then they're "oh, it is from this" and their face is all happy, like they've discovered America again. And then they start speaking of something else like that was the major thing, that the reason of my pain be found, and if it's found then probably I should stop hurting?!? And when I ask what is to be done they start being ellusive and blabber things like "h we can do some pain management" or "well there are cases when there is long-term effect" and I want to scream "people! why didn't you tell me this before?"

I've put up the Winter tree today. Shoulder hurts when I get on my tiptoes to fix the topper. The lights are messed up - some led bulbs need to be replaced. I had to leave the areas of the light that don't work in the back of the tree as it was impossible for me to remove the burned led bulbs from their sockets.

By the time I was done with putting up ornaments in the tree I already had to take half of a Percocet. I finished the tree and then got the dough from the bread machine and filled it with the traditional nut filling and got it in the oven. Then fixed the second batch of dough in the machine, and got the roast in the oven. All the while thinking "why am I even doing this, it's just me. It's only me at home. Nobody to rejoice with. Nobody to taste my cooking. Nobody. Just me and the dogs."

I haven't sculpted anything in a long time. I haven't painted anything in a long time. I haven't written anything in a long time. I haven't done any changes to any of my websites.I started having anxiety attacks right before I get to sleep, right at the moment when I am ready to fall asleep, the thought that I will die in my sleep comes to my mind and poof! sleep is gone.

I have short bursts of ideation, like I am going to sculpt a little fairy ornament - and I get up from the chair and by the time I get where my art and crafts supplies are I am already tired and asking myself "why?" and the hand that just took the piece of clay puts it back in the ziplock bag. And I go back in front of the computer and play some mindless game.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Karma

<sup>Yea, I know, it's been a while. Almost daily I'm thinking I need to write something here and then the day goes by and that is it, too late.

Anyway. The Karma thing. I see more and more often "oh, don't worry, he'll get it. Karma's a bitch". Or "she doesn't know what it's in store for her, karma will bring bad stuff back to her threefold".

No, people, it won't. Karma is not the "threefold law" of the wiccans. It's not some supreme deity that goes around punishing bad deeds (or whatever you think is a bad deed in your narrow definition of the Universe with you being it's belly-button).

Let's see.

Karma (Sanskrit: कर्म IPA: [ˈkərmə] in Indian religions is the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called saṃsāra) originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Buddhist and Sikh philosophies.

Sure, cause and effect. BUT, not in this life, ladies and gentlemen. Whatever karmic burden you accumulate in this life will decide what you will choose to expiate it in the next life. When you reincarnate. so don't think that the guy who left you for a prettier (or less nagging) woman, if he got in a fender-bender, or lost his job, or (even better) broke up with the woman he left you for - don't think he got hit by this volatile entity named Karma. Because there is no such thing. He just had a streak of bad luck, or you've sent so much negative energy his way that you caused it, or simply IT JUST HAPPENED, without you or anyone else having any causality on it.

I'm all for syncretism, but for goodness's sake, at least get the terminology right and try to understand what you are saying, so you wouldn't look like ignoramuses.</sup>

Phew

I know, it's been quite a while since I last wrote. As I said, I'm not very good with writing down "dear diary" style.

Anyway. It's really hard right now to get used to being alone again. He said "you were living alone for years before we got together and you were doing just fine" and I replied "yes, but at the time I was fairly healthy, not partially disabled by long-term side effects of cancer treatment".

I'm getting better though. In a way. My exercises with the 2 lbs dumb-bells are going good. I do cheat a little for the second and third round of exercises of the day. The first round I stand up. The other ones - I do them while sitting on the couch watching movies. I am careful to keep my torso nice and vertical and my shoulders pulled back. I am able now to do 25-50 move batches. Which is great. And I'm doing some core exercises, abdomen, legs and specifically thighs exercises. And I can already see (after 10 days of doing it) results - the most noticeable is the  fact that now I can get up from sitting on the floor without needing to prop myself on a piece of furniture.

I'll try taping the exercises I do - maybe some of you who read this have had a LD flap reconstruction too and are researching exercises that would help you get back in shape.

Oh yes, and I need to post updated photos of the garden.

Here are some photos though, of my latest "Goddess spirit dolls".

Doctor's visit.

Ok, so yesterday at the oncologist was quite the experience.

I had had in the last few days this nagging pain somewhere in my back, about where my right kidney will be. It's a weird pain, it feels like there is something holding there, you know, like when you button a shirt that is too tight. I know I had the same sensation back in 1992 when I had a kidney stone, and with one of the last MRIs showing I have kidney cysts (which all doctors assured me is very common for my age and totally harmless) I was worried. But, it doesn't really feel like a kidney pain, because when I press there (there is a specific point) it feels like there is something bothering me right under the skin. It's right at the end of the scar from the Latissimus Dorsi harvesting incision. The oncologist, Dr. Gregory Parker  said that he thinks that I might have a bruised (or even hairline fractured) rib and there is some swelling in that area. I think that I probably broke the scar tissue (as I have a very large area of scar tissue right under the skin there) and probably that is messing up. Anyway, he said that if it doesn't go away in a month or if it gets worse he's order a scan.

He also ordered lots of blood tests. I love him. He's one of those doctors who discusses with the patients about all their worries, and about all the aspects of the treatment, even dieting and life-style. He also told me I need to start walking more. Went today and got some very comfortable walking shoes - nothing "brand" or expensive. Guess I'll start going around the neighborhood in the morning.

Little bugs.

This is something I wrote last year, but it's still actual now.


On of my online "sisters" (read: breast cancer sisters) recently was complaining on how hard pressured she feels about "being the good cancer patient", while she was feeling guilty for not having any urges to go backpacking to "rah rah meetings" to give speeches as a model cancer patient/survivor. Of feeling like she's doing it all wrong all the time. All these little things, like little bugs creeping over her life.

I think that I have my little bugs too. Even if I was never (well maybe in my teenagehood) affected by what others said and thought. My motto was always "is this person important to me? Does their opinion affect my life, my career, my family? Are they the ones who pay my bills and do my laundry and cook for me? NO? Then why in the world I would give a rat's turd about what they think?" - oh, and also, numerous times I was not afraid or shy to tell them in their faces the exact same thing.

I had my share of "get your backpack on and go". So if now I get any kind of hints on that, I remind those persons of what I did and ask them what exactly did they do themselves in this respect. To the "I think you should..." and "if I were you I would..." I reply "well, when you will have breast cancer and go through this yourself, then feel free to do so".

This is MY life and I live it how I think it should be lived, not how others think. Yes, I had the bad luck of getting BC - but then I will make the best of what I have left. I do have my up and downs, like everybody else. When I get the blues of "I cant' do this or that" I look back and say "yes, but I did this, and that, and that" and then maybe spend my time remembering the beauty of what was. It is a treasure that BC cannot rob me of.

Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was never impressed by declarations of "xxx disease made me a better person", to be honest, I always thought the disease must have done something to those people's head. How in the world can one be grateful for this? Such a hypocrisy, in the run for the spotlight. Ask ANY of those people, if there was a miracle and they could change this "wonderful experience" and this "better person" they've become to NOT having cancer, would they refuse it? Really?

Did BC make me a "better person"? Not at all. It just made me a different person. Maybe even a worse person by some people's standards, but who cares about them?

At this time in my life I am less forgiving. Little dramas and spotlight shows that in the past I would overlook and let pass, now I either shove out of my life, or call to attention the person doing it. If they don't like it and don't change their behavior, then good riddance. I don't know how much of my life I have left, but I am determined to NOT have room in it for unimportant things.The disease made me re-assess the values and importance of things and people in my life.

I will never always choose what is less important over me sitting in the garden watching the squirrels cajoling or me playing my favorite online game. How I want to live my life is more important than what a doctor, a "friend" or an acquaintance thinks.

I might have no power on the length of my life, but I do have the power on the quality of it.

And who doesn't like it, oh well, too bad. I don't care.

Doomsday

Ok, I do have a thing against "doomsday worshipers" and "conspiracy theory" addicts. Big time.Don't get me wrong, there are many things going on in this world, many hidden things, many terrible things.

But there are people who see in everything and anything either the "doomsday prophecy" or the "conspiracy".

Let's take the first ones. First of all, yes, there are so many things that could go wrong. I am sure that there is something that has started to happen, and soon more things are going to happen, that will not be that good for humanity in general.

No, I do not believe in an "end of  the world date", like December 21, 2012. Ok, let's take this one, for example. It is supposed to be the date the world will end by the Mayan prophecy. Didn't find myself anything of the sorts in the prophecy, but let's get past it. December 21, 2012. 12/21/2012. Ok, how does this make sense. Numerologically speaking, occult numbers have a tendency to present a symmetry. So, this date written in reverse would be 21021221. No symmetry. Even if we try to write the date by the rest of the world's standards (not the American ones), 21/12/2012, reversed it's 21022112.
 Doesn't make sense, does it? 21/02/2012 (American date style)would make sense, but noooooo, they want the Winter Solstice. Has to be on the Winter solstice. Why? beats me.

Some people go as far with the obsession as to see "meaningful" numbers everywhere.

Example.

Yes, this is the young woman who "predicted" the big earthquake in Japan (sheer luck, if you ask me), who is obsessed with "comet Elenin" and who, sometime before the end of March has posted a video that "something bad is going to happen" and she is running away in the mountains and advises everyone to go away from the coastal areas. Nothing happened, she didn't post any more videos, but on her channel it can be seen she logs in almost daily. Well, she had her 5 minutes of fame and then blundered big time.

Now, the conspiracy theory ones.

There is this young guy on youtube, who did stumble on some interesting "coincidences" when it comes to earthquakes (well, minus the conspiracy theory part) and if he would have gone on that line with his videos, he would probably have been really successful. He gathered quite a number of followers for a while. But recently it seems he's obsessed with HAARP. And "HAARP rings". You know, those shapes that sometimes appear on certain types of radar, either circular or square or sometimes in other shapes, when they put in motion the decluttering "devices". Yes, in his opinion those are "HAARP rings".  Not only that, but whenever there is a "HAARP ring" there will be a tornado (or an earthquake, take your pick). Recently, there was this storm line that appeared "out of nowhere", and stretched across the country, and right on the spots where he had noticed on the Intellicast radar some "HAARP rings" (note: the Intellicast radar is one of the radars that does show these weird shapes sometimes because of their method of removing the clutter). The storm that had produced that tornado in Iowa. Yessir, it was HAARP. It doesn't matter it's middle of April almost, it's the Midwest and Southern Plains, and for times immemorable, that means storms and tornadoes. And that the typical way the storms develop is "out of nowhere" (read: when the cold dry air from the north meets the warm humid air from the Golf of Mexico) and forms the typical lines of storms that go SW to NE and usually stretch from SW Texas tot he Great Lakes, moving eastward. Always.


What is the most frightening, are some of the comments to his videos.
Examples:

"I have never seen storms like that in my life" - really, dude? Are you several months old or something?

"On the NLE 2011 FACT sheet it clearly states it will "Simulate a catastrophic earthquake in the central United States" How do you duplicate an actual earthquake to occur?? They have the power and technologies. If you know anyone in that region you should warn them. Don't trust the government." - This one made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Sorry, young man, simulation does not equal duplication. What's next? Believing that in Civil War re-enactments people actually kill each other?

"I noticed some weird massive rings over texas/mexico yesterday when the line really did blow up all the way across. Perfectly at the center of the massive ring was Corpus Christi. Another one was Del Rio. It looked as if the storm line was being shot out from those locations like a solar flare or an eruption. It was unusual to say the least." - About as unusual as flowers blooming in spring, yes.

Anyway. I have a feeling these are subjects I will return to quite often.

Quite some time

Ok, it's been quite some time since I wrote in here. Been busy like crazy.

My sweetheart left for Afghanistan this past Saturday. I cannot believe I will not see him for such a long time - he is supposed to be there for a whole year. I hope he will be able to come home in a vacation - he should have a 2 week one.

Yes, I cried after he left. I tried not to cry in front of him, as he was feeling bad enough as it is. But after he left the flood gates broke.

There are a few things I want to write about - some things about my garden, some things about "how can sheeple be manipulated" and a few other things, but right now I need to start getting ready to go to a dr. appointment. Where I will probably get my behind chewed for not being able to bear laying down for an hour and a half for an MRI, because my back started hurting so bad.

Oh well. Later.

Facebook campaign.

Oh my! Oh woe! Last year it was the "bra color" so called breast cancer awareness. Now it's the "fruit" breast cancer awareness. Not even remotely related to cancer, or breasts for the reason (unless you can consider pear and apple and avocados and such a type of breast shape, but what do you do with raspberries and grapes?), just "for fun" and "to confuse guys". What does "confusing guys" have to do with breast cancer awareness?

From the point of view of a breast cancer survivor, this is so insensitive that it's beyond words. People with empty minds not able to see better than Charlie Sheen's last stunt and the last "survivor" and "dancing with the stars" are flocking in. Some are in such a hurry to join this game, that not only didn't realize they are not supposed to post on the event's page, just in the status, but some got so carried by the wave that they are still in the "bra color" stage and post "zebra print" instead of fruits. And then you'll have women all over crying out loud that they are objectified and considered empty-headed ninnies.

This time I got so upset tht I started a Facebook event of my own.

It's not about breast cancer awareness. It's not about weird, "fun" statuses. It's about getting as many participants as possible by the end of May then challenges the big dudes, like mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, ya know? to donate $1 for each participant to a non-profit that provides financial help to breast cancer patients who cannot afford treatment.

Join in this effort!

The REAL Breast Cancer Facebook game

One step forward, one step back

Ok, so this morning I got wonderful news. Last week I had a head/orbital scan; my eyes were acting kind of funny, so my eye doctor - who is a specialist in Graves eye disease - had ordered one. He called me this morning to say that there was only a mild thickening of the eye muscles (quite common in people with Graves Disease) but that there was no evidence of tumors anywhere. Phew!

Now the bad part came at noon. I had to go for an MRI of the right hip and femur. I started having lower back, and hip pain back in December. If I stood up for more than 15 minutes, the pain was there, and if I wouldn't sit right away, it would get so bad I needed a cane to walk.

My oncologist ordered a lower spine MRI in February. That one came with only "mild hypertrophy of the facets" so a mild arthritis possibly. The pain though got worse and this time involving the right hip. So he ordered another MRI.

The problem was, the moment they made me lay down on the MRI "table" I knew I was in trouble. It was already hurting. When they said that it would take about an hour and a half for the scan, I started thinking that I wouldn't be able to bear it. And I was right. I tried to go as much as I could, and the pain was just getting worse and worse, until I just had to call them to take me out. If I could have been able to stand it for 10 more minutes, it would have been wonderful. But I couldn't. I had to be helped to get up, and then I needed a wheel chair to get back to my car.

Yes, I feel like crying right now. And you know what? I have the right to.

I hate cancer. I hate that it came in my life, interrupting it, when I was as happy as I haven't been in a long time. I hate the year and a half of hell I've been through with the surgeries and the chemotherapy. I hate all these lingering side effects I'm struggling with. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

The gardens

So. I finally finished the flower beds in the front yard. It was the work of a week. Two years ago it would have taken me a few hours.

I think it will take a long, long time for me to recover the strength of my arms and hands, at least partially. I know it will never be the way it was before.

What's different, you ask? Well, in 2009, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I had opted to have a bilateral mastectomy, as I didn't want to possibly go through the same crap again with the other breast - great idea, as the pathology showed it was getting ready to get the big C word too - and also have an immediate reconstruction.

The reconstruction was of the kind that is called a "Latissimus Dorsi flap". They take the big muscles that run from underarm to your waist, they cut them at the waist-line end, they turn them around under the skin, and they put them on your chest. To hold implants. Normally, a piece of skin is taken too, to replace the breast skin that was taken during the mastectomy. I didn't need that, as I had a skin sparing mastectomy. Well, in the long run, I discovered that I wouldn't have needed the LD flap anyway, but I guess my plastic surgeon wanted to add more stuff to his portfolio. It was a harsh experience. For some reason, my battered chest did not like what was going on, and the result was a complete butcher job. I was furious at my plastic surgeon. Especially when I saw how easy he was taking everything, and with the "we'll fix that at the revision". Before the revision, a year after the main surgery, he told me that he couldn't understand what had happened. He did the revision ( I am glad I didn't ditch him to go to another surgeon) and he created a work of art. My new breasts look fabulous, and the most important, very natural. Like the breasts I had when I was 17, only double the size (couldn't convince him to put smaller implants). And on top of that, I will never need a bra for the rest of my life! Can you imagine? a 80 years old with perky boobs? bwahahaha!

Anyway. When it comes to the "look" part, everything is wonderful. When it comes to the quality of life part, it's horrendous. He realized too late that this is not a surgery to use on an ex-gymnast, because we have that muscle well developed and the torso relies on it very strongly when it comes to stabilizing the torso upright. Initially he had said "only if you are a professional swimmer or tennis player you might have problems". That was true... not!

I would say my arm and hand strength is now probably around 25% of what it was. I can't open jars - or even a coke bottle - by myself. If I wash dishes, and there is something to scrub, I can do the scrubbing motion for about 10 times after which I am in pain. If I stand up for more than 10 minutes or if I sit for more than 30 (without a back rest), my back hurts.

He also forgot to say that for the rest of my life I will not be allowed to do any exercises that work out the pectoral muscles - because that would move the implants (my implants are covered by the chest muscle totally, then the upper part by the pectoralis major muscle, and the bottom part by the latissimus dorsi muscle). There is no worry about overworking the latissimus dorsi muscle though, as it is by now separated from the pedicle. It was really annoying in the first year, after the first surgery, as any move I would make with my arm, my new "breasts" would start jumping up and down or flatten towards my armpit. I felt like a monster.

Anyway, this is how the LD flap is realized:

So, now you see why my flower beds took so long to do. But - and this is the most important - I did it!

And they look good.

Ostara

 Spring Equinox today. Ostara by the Western paganism. Day of the Cuckoo by my tradition.

I have waited for spring so long. This past winter seemed to be interminable. 

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, this was the second winter I have asked myself if I'd live to see the spring again. I guess for the rest of my life that will be a permanent question in winter. Anything is harder in winter.

I'm digressing. The Spring Equinox.

My sweetheart is gone to camp - he will be deploying (his second deployment) in Afghanistan next month. I am looking to a very hard year without him.

Today it was just me and Ris. her husband was supposed to come, but was called to do 12 hours shifts at the base.


I wish I wasn't that tired by the time we started the ritual. This tiredness I can not get rid of. True, I am able now to do more things than a year ago, but still, compared to how I was two years ago, it almost makes me cry.

So, anyway, the ritual bread came up gorgeous. We charged the offerings and talked to the Gods. May they help us in the year to come.

From the start. Which start?

Good question. There have been many "starts" in my life. And between these starts are different personas, different "me"s, each with a different facies more or less, and a slightly different view on the world, but, of course, sharing the same core values. Yes, I can say the core values never got changed.

I am, as I discovered quite early in life, a rara avis. Even in the society I grew up, I was one. When it comes to the core values, of course. Why such a rare bird? Well, I'd say because I don't only talk about these core values, but because I do apply them in my every day life. Many, many people hate me for that. Well, many people hate me for who and what I am, but then, there are quite a good number of people who love me for the same reason. Not as many as the haters though.

So, anyway... core values. Yes, things like truth, commitment, devotion, loyalty. The "get up and do it" instead of "let's waste our time talking about how to do it".  Pisses people off, because they don't have the opportunity to show what exceptional they would be once they decide to do something - because by the time the decide to do it I already finished it.

Pisses people off too because of my uncanny 6th sense when it comes to lies. And - yes, I think the thing that pisses people off the most is my bluntness about it. I never beat around the bushes. I come out and say in their face, "this is a lie".  Even if it hurts feelings. Even if it pisses them off. No, I do not do it so I can piss them off, not at all. It comes from my core values. I think that if you start tiptoeing around a "delicate" issue, and you end by sweeping the crap under the carpet so it wouldn't be seen, people will still know it's under the carpet, and what's worse, it will stink. And in time you'll get a whole stinky mess under your carpet.

I prefer to sweep it out in the open, and get everything clean.