I'm dizzy

Yes, I am dizzy. Not vertigo-style, really, but like a mix of lightheadedness and slight vertigo.

It all started on the 20th of February. It was the third day after I had gotten a flu shot. I was chatting with J. online and suddenly I had this dizziness wash over me. The exact same kind like before passing out - yes, I know how passing out feels, I did pass out quite a few times when I was pregnant. It would start with this kind of dizziness then there would be a noise in my ears like the one you hear when you pour sugar from the bag into whatever container you keep the sugar in, and then I would see like a chicken-wire fence in front of my eyes and the eyes of the chicken-wire netting would start blacking out, until it was all black then I was gone. But this was just the dizziness.

I managed to tell J. what is going on, then I tried a few things - as in my mind were flashing the possible causes. Of course the first one was my blood pressure. I stood up and it didn't get worse (I was haging on to the door in case I'd faint). I went real quick to the bathroom for a no. 1 and it didn't get better (urinating usually decreases your blood pressure). I went then and had a glass of water. It didn't get better. It slowly got a tad better but the dizziness was still there. And it was still there for the following days. At one point, when it got good enough that I wasn't (too) afraid to drive, I went ahead and went to the neighborhood pharmacy, and bought a home blood pressure monitor. I took my pressure when I got home and it was HIGH. 157/89. I took another Metoprolol (I am taking that to prevent tachycardia from my hyper-thyroid) and it slowly went down, but not lower than 122/76. My normal blood pressure is 100-110/66-76. I also felt like my head was going to explode. Of course I thought I might have been having a TIA and didn't recover. Then thinking about the congestion I felt, I thought maybe I had a sinus infection (again). So, having some Keflex in the house I started taking it. About 2 hours after I took the first dose, the dizziness went away. I'm still taking it, I still have bouts of dizziness here and there, but overall it's not as bad as it was. I told J. that if it gets worse I will go to the ER, and it will be to the point of calling an ambulance not driving myself there. I just want to be able to go to the fair I'm supposed to go at the end of this week.

To say that I'm convinced (and for a while now) that there is something that is not right with my brain? Of course I am convinced. I also have (maybe due to the dizziness) the feeling that I am in a permanent dream-state.

I just hope that if there is anything, I can last until J. comes back home. That was my fear since all this happened (as we knew then he would have to deploy at one point), that something would happen to me and I wouldn't see him again.

I hope, I so hope and pray that won't happen.

What is communism

To be very honest,  I sometimes get totally frustrated about talks about communism here in the US.

It is in a way a contradiction: on one hand, you have the ones that cry out loud that Obama is bringing the US towards socialism. On the other hand, you have the protesters - street protesters, like the Occupy movement - that push ahead with an agenda that is nothing more nothing less than .... communism.

There was this persona on facebook who (by what obscure ways I have no idea) got on my friends list. I can swear I did not seek them out, I do not have this habit. The only people I would actually ask to be friends are the ones that are pagans and live in Oklahoma, for the very simple reason that I want to bring them in the "loop of information", there are so many things going on in the pagan community and there are still people who have no idea and they complain they can't find other pagans. But I digress. Anyway, this person(a) at one point appeared on my feeds with some really reactionary and straight out communist status updates that everybody praised. I commented that - I am sorry, but living for close to 30 years in a communist country I feel my hackle raise whenever communist stuff is said or written. And this was the exact same type of brain-washing propaganda I have listened to for close to 30 years, same thing that brought me on the streets of Bucharest as an active participant to the anti-communist revolution, in which I saw people die near me and being dragged after being shot. His reponse? a wave of obscene insults in which, of course, the first things I should be aware of was that I was a WOMAN, and a middle aged one at that, and as such it was evident that I was dumb and didn't know what I was saying. It's useless to recount here what my answers were - I presume the character probably had a TIA or something, I don't know as I totally blocked him afterwards.

But, anyway, all of you out there , you know what communism is? A country in which you would have a person or groups of persons (president/central committee of sorts) who are the "Gods" and the rest of the country are the ants. Any free will, and trace of individualism are brainwashed out of people for the good of the community (hence the word communism). You don't own anything anymore in your own name, no property (it is forbidden), everything belongs to the community. Everything you are including what you might become is subject to the development of the whole of the community (hence "totalitarism" - there is no communism with a human face, all communism is a totalitarian regime). The dictatorship and personality cult will appear as well, as communism is an impossibility for the human species - we are individuals and do not have a swarm type of civilization like the bees or the termites or the ants, where there is only one queen and all the other insects live for the good of the community. No, we are mammals and there are no mammals with this mentality, it's all natural selection, in the past it was the best hunter who could feed his family, nowadays it's the one who makes the most money. Just the law of the jungle in a technocratic society.

I will post here a video that actually shows the essence of communism. It shows you the populace, indentity-less, doctors, ballerinas, janitors, teachers, waiters and students, all dancing a useless "ballet" for the delight of the "queen bees". And this tells you more about communism than thousands of tomes. Believe me. I know. I lived it.

Time... more time

It's been weird. It's like I want to do a bazillion things at the same time and I never manage to do them. 

Usually because I am tired. Or start on a different direction and by the time I realize it my initial project is forgotten. 

Example: this morning I started cleaning the office. I dug in a box I have lots of photos in. And while i was sorting them to finally get them in a smaller container, I found an old film. Like 14 years old. From a time when me and my best friend went on a Christmas fun evening, she came to pick me up from work, then we went to the Christmas Village downtown. We took a lot of photos. My best friend lives in Italy now but we chat online almost daily. So dropped were the photos, I jumped in the car and ran to Walgreens to get prints and a CD from the film. While I was there waiting for my prints to be done I got a flu shot (got one 3 months ago but it seems that, after the chemo, flu shot with me doesn't last more than 3 months and due to the surgeries I had, coughing is horrendous, percocet-like horrendous). Also, while still waiting, as I had gotten a "buy $15 value get $3 off" coupon that wasn't valid for the photos, I got some flower seeds and a humongous windchime that was on a 50% discount. Once I got home, I immediately went online and sent my bff the photos, then one she got offline I went ahead and put the windchimes out, then went in the garden and dug and planted some of those seeds, then found in the mail a denial for my CT scan that I'm supposed to have in March. Another story with this one, initially my oncologist had ordered a PET/CT. The insurance denied as they said I need 2 years between PET scans (last one was in August 2010) and they said 'only CT". Two days ago I got the approval for CT. Didn't really read anything beyond the "was approved". Today I got in the mail (it came as I was finishing my planting) another letter from the insurance, "your CT is denied". Ok, major confusion. I look for the reason, it says "you do not have a bone scan that needs to be done prior to the CT". Excuse me? I called my oncologist, the lady there said the insurance denied the CT without contrast but approved the CT WITH contrast. We were both like "wtf?!?"

Anyway, after that, I got a phone call about a spirit doll order, and as I had started a few yesterday I went ahead and finished one.

So, it's 4:42 pm. I am in the office now, the photos - that I had started "putting away" this morning are on the floor, in a pile.

Sigh. Can you say "chemobrain"?