Ok, I am becoming one of the worst procrastinators ever. It comes from the fact that I have been depressed. There are many, many things I need to do and just can't find the energy/motivation to do it - and in some of them I am trying to avoid the pain, yes, I used to have a high pain tolerance, not anymore. I would do anything to get rid of all this pain.
Now I'm saying on everything "I'll do this tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." The motto that used to give me courage and keep my spirits up is not just a procrastinating excuse. And a fear. What if tomorrow won't be another day?
I still didn't finish cleaning the house. Well, I did clean the kitchen, more or less, same for the living room. The bedroom looks semi-decent. Except that I didn't vacuum or dust in any of these rooms. The office looks like a disaster and it has been looking like this since October. I used to be a clean/order freak.
I need to finish the testing website for my online school. On this one at least I've been working a little bit. But sometimes I hit a snag when I am just looking at the code and in an instant I lose it. I do not understand anything. I can't follow the thread of logic of what I am supposed to do, get discouraged and just stop working on it. And then I am afraid to take it up again because it's so depressing to see how much chemo has affected my brain.
I need to finish a few pieces of art, update my online store and the etsy one, and make more stuff. I have absolutely no inspiration. No sculpture, drawing, painting or jewelry making.
I need to start mobilizing for the fund-raisers for organizing the local Pagan Pride Day. To prepare some of the on-site classes. I can't. I can't stop thinking "why would I want to do this? I don't care if people learn from me or not. I don't care about people anymore".
I need to finish the three books I'm writing. I can't focus.
I miss J. I am in pain. I can find no interesting in anything. I am looking forward to the day he will come back, and tell myself all the depression will go away when he comes back, and then I think "what if it won't?". What if when he comes back I will still not be able to shake this off and he won't be able to live with a different me?
My healthcare nurse lady said today on the phone that she will refer me to a specialist for some therapy. I hope it works. I hope I can find inside me the strength to be interested in life again. I've been through so many things in my life, surgeries, big earthquakes, car accidents, premature baby death, a 5 days 3rd degree coma. I always rebounded. I always valued and enjoyed life and fought to get everything I wanted to do done. I always did whatever I could to be of service of the community, to help in any way I could. Why can't I do it again? what is happening to me?
