Holiday fiasco

When I "grew up" enough to move away from living with my parents, I've sworn myself that no matter where I'll be and no matter what I'll do, I will always have the Winter Tree up, and always celebrate the Winter Solstice.

This is my 12th year spent far away from my homeland. A little bit over 2 years have gone by since I heard the cancer diagnostic. It's been only 3 months since I've last seen my beloved, for a short 10 days when he came home on leave from deployment. And I fail to have the joy in my heart this year.

I might have been in pain for too long. That may have contributed to my feeling down as of late. My sweetheart not being here, and being so far away from him has been the major part, I think.

Always at this time of the year I would go on youtube and watch videos of traditional Romanian rites and carols and dances and songs. Some are pagan (the dances and the rites), some are Christian (most of the carols) and for a while I've always had the peaceful feeling of the winter holidays that I had in Romania: a whole country, a whole community celebrating the hope. That is the Winter solstice, that is the Birth of Jesus: Hope. In winter, in the longest nights of the year, when everything is cold and gloomy, you know that finally the light will start grow longer and brighter. The same as you know that the seeds, down in the ground, stir and get ready to germinate. It's the hope of the spring to come.

I am not able to get in that mood this year. I knew, and I told him, that this winter will probably be the hardest of my life. It doesn't help that we had a mild fall and winter here in Oklahoma, and there are still plenty of green things out, the lawns are green, my leatherleaf bush is in bloom, the bulbs I planted in November are out already (daylillies and irises), I cannot get rid of this gloomy feeling.

The fact that I have been in pain with no total relief for the last two years probably wore me down. I did find out that my hip pain is from bursitis and my shoulder pain is from shoulder impingement (hello, LD flap breast reconstruction!), but it is beyond frustration when I go to see the doctors complaining of pain and then they're "oh, it is from this" and their face is all happy, like they've discovered America again. And then they start speaking of something else like that was the major thing, that the reason of my pain be found, and if it's found then probably I should stop hurting?!? And when I ask what is to be done they start being ellusive and blabber things like "h we can do some pain management" or "well there are cases when there is long-term effect" and I want to scream "people! why didn't you tell me this before?"

I've put up the Winter tree today. Shoulder hurts when I get on my tiptoes to fix the topper. The lights are messed up - some led bulbs need to be replaced. I had to leave the areas of the light that don't work in the back of the tree as it was impossible for me to remove the burned led bulbs from their sockets.

By the time I was done with putting up ornaments in the tree I already had to take half of a Percocet. I finished the tree and then got the dough from the bread machine and filled it with the traditional nut filling and got it in the oven. Then fixed the second batch of dough in the machine, and got the roast in the oven. All the while thinking "why am I even doing this, it's just me. It's only me at home. Nobody to rejoice with. Nobody to taste my cooking. Nobody. Just me and the dogs."

I haven't sculpted anything in a long time. I haven't painted anything in a long time. I haven't written anything in a long time. I haven't done any changes to any of my websites.I started having anxiety attacks right before I get to sleep, right at the moment when I am ready to fall asleep, the thought that I will die in my sleep comes to my mind and poof! sleep is gone.

I have short bursts of ideation, like I am going to sculpt a little fairy ornament - and I get up from the chair and by the time I get where my art and crafts supplies are I am already tired and asking myself "why?" and the hand that just took the piece of clay puts it back in the ziplock bag. And I go back in front of the computer and play some mindless game.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Karma

<sup>Yea, I know, it's been a while. Almost daily I'm thinking I need to write something here and then the day goes by and that is it, too late.

Anyway. The Karma thing. I see more and more often "oh, don't worry, he'll get it. Karma's a bitch". Or "she doesn't know what it's in store for her, karma will bring bad stuff back to her threefold".

No, people, it won't. Karma is not the "threefold law" of the wiccans. It's not some supreme deity that goes around punishing bad deeds (or whatever you think is a bad deed in your narrow definition of the Universe with you being it's belly-button).

Let's see.

Karma (Sanskrit: कर्म IPA: [ˈkərmə] in Indian religions is the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called saṃsāra) originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Buddhist and Sikh philosophies.

Sure, cause and effect. BUT, not in this life, ladies and gentlemen. Whatever karmic burden you accumulate in this life will decide what you will choose to expiate it in the next life. When you reincarnate. so don't think that the guy who left you for a prettier (or less nagging) woman, if he got in a fender-bender, or lost his job, or (even better) broke up with the woman he left you for - don't think he got hit by this volatile entity named Karma. Because there is no such thing. He just had a streak of bad luck, or you've sent so much negative energy his way that you caused it, or simply IT JUST HAPPENED, without you or anyone else having any causality on it.

I'm all for syncretism, but for goodness's sake, at least get the terminology right and try to understand what you are saying, so you wouldn't look like ignoramuses.</sup>