Ok, so yesterday at the oncologist was quite the experience.
I had had in the last few days this nagging pain somewhere in my back, about where my right kidney will be. It's a weird pain, it feels like there is something holding there, you know, like when you button a shirt that is too tight. I know I had the same sensation back in 1992 when I had a kidney stone, and with one of the last MRIs showing I have kidney cysts (which all doctors assured me is very common for my age and totally harmless) I was worried. But, it doesn't really feel like a kidney pain, because when I press there (there is a specific point) it feels like there is something bothering me right under the skin. It's right at the end of the scar from the Latissimus Dorsi harvesting incision. The oncologist, Dr. Gregory Parker said that he thinks that I might have a bruised (or even hairline fractured) rib and there is some swelling in that area. I think that I probably broke the scar tissue (as I have a very large area of scar tissue right under the skin there) and probably that is messing up. Anyway, he said that if it doesn't go away in a month or if it gets worse he's order a scan.
He also ordered lots of blood tests. I love him. He's one of those doctors who discusses with the patients about all their worries, and about all the aspects of the treatment, even dieting and life-style. He also told me I need to start walking more. Went today and got some very comfortable walking shoes - nothing "brand" or expensive. Guess I'll start going around the neighborhood in the morning.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Little bugs.
This is something I wrote last year, but it's still actual now.
On of my online "sisters" (read: breast cancer sisters) recently was complaining on how hard pressured she feels about "being the good cancer patient", while she was feeling guilty for not having any urges to go backpacking to "rah rah meetings" to give speeches as a model cancer patient/survivor. Of feeling like she's doing it all wrong all the time. All these little things, like little bugs creeping over her life.
I think that I have my little bugs too. Even if I was never (well maybe in my teenagehood) affected by what others said and thought. My motto was always "is this person important to me? Does their opinion affect my life, my career, my family? Are they the ones who pay my bills and do my laundry and cook for me? NO? Then why in the world I would give a rat's turd about what they think?" - oh, and also, numerous times I was not afraid or shy to tell them in their faces the exact same thing.
I had my share of "get your backpack on and go". So if now I get any kind of hints on that, I remind those persons of what I did and ask them what exactly did they do themselves in this respect. To the "I think you should..." and "if I were you I would..." I reply "well, when you will have breast cancer and go through this yourself, then feel free to do so".
This is MY life and I live it how I think it should be lived, not how others think. Yes, I had the bad luck of getting BC - but then I will make the best of what I have left. I do have my up and downs, like everybody else. When I get the blues of "I cant' do this or that" I look back and say "yes, but I did this, and that, and that" and then maybe spend my time remembering the beauty of what was. It is a treasure that BC cannot rob me of.
Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was never impressed by declarations of "xxx disease made me a better person", to be honest, I always thought the disease must have done something to those people's head. How in the world can one be grateful for this? Such a hypocrisy, in the run for the spotlight. Ask ANY of those people, if there was a miracle and they could change this "wonderful experience" and this "better person" they've become to NOT having cancer, would they refuse it? Really?
Did BC make me a "better person"? Not at all. It just made me a different person. Maybe even a worse person by some people's standards, but who cares about them?
At this time in my life I am less forgiving. Little dramas and spotlight shows that in the past I would overlook and let pass, now I either shove out of my life, or call to attention the person doing it. If they don't like it and don't change their behavior, then good riddance. I don't know how much of my life I have left, but I am determined to NOT have room in it for unimportant things.The disease made me re-assess the values and importance of things and people in my life.
I will never always choose what is less important over me sitting in the garden watching the squirrels cajoling or me playing my favorite online game. How I want to live my life is more important than what a doctor, a "friend" or an acquaintance thinks.
I might have no power on the length of my life, but I do have the power on the quality of it.
And who doesn't like it, oh well, too bad. I don't care.
On of my online "sisters" (read: breast cancer sisters) recently was complaining on how hard pressured she feels about "being the good cancer patient", while she was feeling guilty for not having any urges to go backpacking to "rah rah meetings" to give speeches as a model cancer patient/survivor. Of feeling like she's doing it all wrong all the time. All these little things, like little bugs creeping over her life.
I think that I have my little bugs too. Even if I was never (well maybe in my teenagehood) affected by what others said and thought. My motto was always "is this person important to me? Does their opinion affect my life, my career, my family? Are they the ones who pay my bills and do my laundry and cook for me? NO? Then why in the world I would give a rat's turd about what they think?" - oh, and also, numerous times I was not afraid or shy to tell them in their faces the exact same thing.
I had my share of "get your backpack on and go". So if now I get any kind of hints on that, I remind those persons of what I did and ask them what exactly did they do themselves in this respect. To the "I think you should..." and "if I were you I would..." I reply "well, when you will have breast cancer and go through this yourself, then feel free to do so".
This is MY life and I live it how I think it should be lived, not how others think. Yes, I had the bad luck of getting BC - but then I will make the best of what I have left. I do have my up and downs, like everybody else. When I get the blues of "I cant' do this or that" I look back and say "yes, but I did this, and that, and that" and then maybe spend my time remembering the beauty of what was. It is a treasure that BC cannot rob me of.
Maybe I should feel ashamed, but I was never impressed by declarations of "xxx disease made me a better person", to be honest, I always thought the disease must have done something to those people's head. How in the world can one be grateful for this? Such a hypocrisy, in the run for the spotlight. Ask ANY of those people, if there was a miracle and they could change this "wonderful experience" and this "better person" they've become to NOT having cancer, would they refuse it? Really?
Did BC make me a "better person"? Not at all. It just made me a different person. Maybe even a worse person by some people's standards, but who cares about them?
At this time in my life I am less forgiving. Little dramas and spotlight shows that in the past I would overlook and let pass, now I either shove out of my life, or call to attention the person doing it. If they don't like it and don't change their behavior, then good riddance. I don't know how much of my life I have left, but I am determined to NOT have room in it for unimportant things.The disease made me re-assess the values and importance of things and people in my life.
I will never always choose what is less important over me sitting in the garden watching the squirrels cajoling or me playing my favorite online game. How I want to live my life is more important than what a doctor, a "friend" or an acquaintance thinks.
I might have no power on the length of my life, but I do have the power on the quality of it.
And who doesn't like it, oh well, too bad. I don't care.
Doomsday
Ok, I do have a thing against "doomsday worshipers" and "conspiracy theory" addicts. Big time.Don't get me wrong, there are many things going on in this world, many hidden things, many terrible things.
But there are people who see in everything and anything either the "doomsday prophecy" or the "conspiracy".
Let's take the first ones. First of all, yes, there are so many things that could go wrong. I am sure that there is something that has started to happen, and soon more things are going to happen, that will not be that good for humanity in general.
No, I do not believe in an "end of the world date", like December 21, 2012. Ok, let's take this one, for example. It is supposed to be the date the world will end by the Mayan prophecy. Didn't find myself anything of the sorts in the prophecy, but let's get past it. December 21, 2012. 12/21/2012. Ok, how does this make sense. Numerologically speaking, occult numbers have a tendency to present a symmetry. So, this date written in reverse would be 21021221. No symmetry. Even if we try to write the date by the rest of the world's standards (not the American ones), 21/12/2012, reversed it's 21022112.
Doesn't make sense, does it? 21/02/2012 (American date style)would make sense, but noooooo, they want the Winter Solstice. Has to be on the Winter solstice. Why? beats me.
Some people go as far with the obsession as to see "meaningful" numbers everywhere.
Example.
Yes, this is the young woman who "predicted" the big earthquake in Japan (sheer luck, if you ask me), who is obsessed with "comet Elenin" and who, sometime before the end of March has posted a video that "something bad is going to happen" and she is running away in the mountains and advises everyone to go away from the coastal areas. Nothing happened, she didn't post any more videos, but on her channel it can be seen she logs in almost daily. Well, she had her 5 minutes of fame and then blundered big time.
Now, the conspiracy theory ones.
There is this young guy on youtube, who did stumble on some interesting "coincidences" when it comes to earthquakes (well, minus the conspiracy theory part) and if he would have gone on that line with his videos, he would probably have been really successful. He gathered quite a number of followers for a while. But recently it seems he's obsessed with HAARP. And "HAARP rings". You know, those shapes that sometimes appear on certain types of radar, either circular or square or sometimes in other shapes, when they put in motion the decluttering "devices". Yes, in his opinion those are "HAARP rings". Not only that, but whenever there is a "HAARP ring" there will be a tornado (or an earthquake, take your pick). Recently, there was this storm line that appeared "out of nowhere", and stretched across the country, and right on the spots where he had noticed on the Intellicast radar some "HAARP rings" (note: the Intellicast radar is one of the radars that does show these weird shapes sometimes because of their method of removing the clutter). The storm that had produced that tornado in Iowa. Yessir, it was HAARP. It doesn't matter it's middle of April almost, it's the Midwest and Southern Plains, and for times immemorable, that means storms and tornadoes. And that the typical way the storms develop is "out of nowhere" (read: when the cold dry air from the north meets the warm humid air from the Golf of Mexico) and forms the typical lines of storms that go SW to NE and usually stretch from SW Texas tot he Great Lakes, moving eastward. Always.
What is the most frightening, are some of the comments to his videos.
Examples:
"I have never seen storms like that in my life" - really, dude? Are you several months old or something?
"On the NLE 2011 FACT sheet it clearly states it will "Simulate a catastrophic earthquake in the central United States" How do you duplicate an actual earthquake to occur?? They have the power and technologies. If you know anyone in that region you should warn them. Don't trust the government." - This one made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Sorry, young man, simulation does not equal duplication. What's next? Believing that in Civil War re-enactments people actually kill each other?
"I noticed some weird massive rings over texas/mexico yesterday when the line really did blow up all the way across. Perfectly at the center of the massive ring was Corpus Christi. Another one was Del Rio. It looked as if the storm line was being shot out from those locations like a solar flare or an eruption. It was unusual to say the least." - About as unusual as flowers blooming in spring, yes.
Anyway. I have a feeling these are subjects I will return to quite often.
But there are people who see in everything and anything either the "doomsday prophecy" or the "conspiracy".
Let's take the first ones. First of all, yes, there are so many things that could go wrong. I am sure that there is something that has started to happen, and soon more things are going to happen, that will not be that good for humanity in general.
No, I do not believe in an "end of the world date", like December 21, 2012. Ok, let's take this one, for example. It is supposed to be the date the world will end by the Mayan prophecy. Didn't find myself anything of the sorts in the prophecy, but let's get past it. December 21, 2012. 12/21/2012. Ok, how does this make sense. Numerologically speaking, occult numbers have a tendency to present a symmetry. So, this date written in reverse would be 21021221. No symmetry. Even if we try to write the date by the rest of the world's standards (not the American ones), 21/12/2012, reversed it's 21022112.
Doesn't make sense, does it? 21/02/2012 (American date style)would make sense, but noooooo, they want the Winter Solstice. Has to be on the Winter solstice. Why? beats me.
Some people go as far with the obsession as to see "meaningful" numbers everywhere.
Example.
Yes, this is the young woman who "predicted" the big earthquake in Japan (sheer luck, if you ask me), who is obsessed with "comet Elenin" and who, sometime before the end of March has posted a video that "something bad is going to happen" and she is running away in the mountains and advises everyone to go away from the coastal areas. Nothing happened, she didn't post any more videos, but on her channel it can be seen she logs in almost daily. Well, she had her 5 minutes of fame and then blundered big time.
Now, the conspiracy theory ones.
There is this young guy on youtube, who did stumble on some interesting "coincidences" when it comes to earthquakes (well, minus the conspiracy theory part) and if he would have gone on that line with his videos, he would probably have been really successful. He gathered quite a number of followers for a while. But recently it seems he's obsessed with HAARP. And "HAARP rings". You know, those shapes that sometimes appear on certain types of radar, either circular or square or sometimes in other shapes, when they put in motion the decluttering "devices". Yes, in his opinion those are "HAARP rings". Not only that, but whenever there is a "HAARP ring" there will be a tornado (or an earthquake, take your pick). Recently, there was this storm line that appeared "out of nowhere", and stretched across the country, and right on the spots where he had noticed on the Intellicast radar some "HAARP rings" (note: the Intellicast radar is one of the radars that does show these weird shapes sometimes because of their method of removing the clutter). The storm that had produced that tornado in Iowa. Yessir, it was HAARP. It doesn't matter it's middle of April almost, it's the Midwest and Southern Plains, and for times immemorable, that means storms and tornadoes. And that the typical way the storms develop is "out of nowhere" (read: when the cold dry air from the north meets the warm humid air from the Golf of Mexico) and forms the typical lines of storms that go SW to NE and usually stretch from SW Texas tot he Great Lakes, moving eastward. Always.
What is the most frightening, are some of the comments to his videos.
Examples:
"I have never seen storms like that in my life" - really, dude? Are you several months old or something?
"On the NLE 2011 FACT sheet it clearly states it will "Simulate a catastrophic earthquake in the central United States" How do you duplicate an actual earthquake to occur?? They have the power and technologies. If you know anyone in that region you should warn them. Don't trust the government." - This one made me almost fall off my chair laughing. Sorry, young man, simulation does not equal duplication. What's next? Believing that in Civil War re-enactments people actually kill each other?
"I noticed some weird massive rings over texas/mexico yesterday when the line really did blow up all the way across. Perfectly at the center of the massive ring was Corpus Christi. Another one was Del Rio. It looked as if the storm line was being shot out from those locations like a solar flare or an eruption. It was unusual to say the least." - About as unusual as flowers blooming in spring, yes.
Anyway. I have a feeling these are subjects I will return to quite often.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Quite some time
Ok, it's been quite some time since I wrote in here. Been busy like crazy.
My sweetheart left for Afghanistan this past Saturday. I cannot believe I will not see him for such a long time - he is supposed to be there for a whole year. I hope he will be able to come home in a vacation - he should have a 2 week one.
Yes, I cried after he left. I tried not to cry in front of him, as he was feeling bad enough as it is. But after he left the flood gates broke.
There are a few things I want to write about - some things about my garden, some things about "how can sheeple be manipulated" and a few other things, but right now I need to start getting ready to go to a dr. appointment. Where I will probably get my behind chewed for not being able to bear laying down for an hour and a half for an MRI, because my back started hurting so bad.
Oh well. Later.
My sweetheart left for Afghanistan this past Saturday. I cannot believe I will not see him for such a long time - he is supposed to be there for a whole year. I hope he will be able to come home in a vacation - he should have a 2 week one.
Yes, I cried after he left. I tried not to cry in front of him, as he was feeling bad enough as it is. But after he left the flood gates broke.
There are a few things I want to write about - some things about my garden, some things about "how can sheeple be manipulated" and a few other things, but right now I need to start getting ready to go to a dr. appointment. Where I will probably get my behind chewed for not being able to bear laying down for an hour and a half for an MRI, because my back started hurting so bad.
Oh well. Later.
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