I'm dizzy

Yes, I am dizzy. Not vertigo-style, really, but like a mix of lightheadedness and slight vertigo.

It all started on the 20th of February. It was the third day after I had gotten a flu shot. I was chatting with J. online and suddenly I had this dizziness wash over me. The exact same kind like before passing out - yes, I know how passing out feels, I did pass out quite a few times when I was pregnant. It would start with this kind of dizziness then there would be a noise in my ears like the one you hear when you pour sugar from the bag into whatever container you keep the sugar in, and then I would see like a chicken-wire fence in front of my eyes and the eyes of the chicken-wire netting would start blacking out, until it was all black then I was gone. But this was just the dizziness.

I managed to tell J. what is going on, then I tried a few things - as in my mind were flashing the possible causes. Of course the first one was my blood pressure. I stood up and it didn't get worse (I was haging on to the door in case I'd faint). I went real quick to the bathroom for a no. 1 and it didn't get better (urinating usually decreases your blood pressure). I went then and had a glass of water. It didn't get better. It slowly got a tad better but the dizziness was still there. And it was still there for the following days. At one point, when it got good enough that I wasn't (too) afraid to drive, I went ahead and went to the neighborhood pharmacy, and bought a home blood pressure monitor. I took my pressure when I got home and it was HIGH. 157/89. I took another Metoprolol (I am taking that to prevent tachycardia from my hyper-thyroid) and it slowly went down, but not lower than 122/76. My normal blood pressure is 100-110/66-76. I also felt like my head was going to explode. Of course I thought I might have been having a TIA and didn't recover. Then thinking about the congestion I felt, I thought maybe I had a sinus infection (again). So, having some Keflex in the house I started taking it. About 2 hours after I took the first dose, the dizziness went away. I'm still taking it, I still have bouts of dizziness here and there, but overall it's not as bad as it was. I told J. that if it gets worse I will go to the ER, and it will be to the point of calling an ambulance not driving myself there. I just want to be able to go to the fair I'm supposed to go at the end of this week.

To say that I'm convinced (and for a while now) that there is something that is not right with my brain? Of course I am convinced. I also have (maybe due to the dizziness) the feeling that I am in a permanent dream-state.

I just hope that if there is anything, I can last until J. comes back home. That was my fear since all this happened (as we knew then he would have to deploy at one point), that something would happen to me and I wouldn't see him again.

I hope, I so hope and pray that won't happen.

What is communism

To be very honest,  I sometimes get totally frustrated about talks about communism here in the US.

It is in a way a contradiction: on one hand, you have the ones that cry out loud that Obama is bringing the US towards socialism. On the other hand, you have the protesters - street protesters, like the Occupy movement - that push ahead with an agenda that is nothing more nothing less than .... communism.

There was this persona on facebook who (by what obscure ways I have no idea) got on my friends list. I can swear I did not seek them out, I do not have this habit. The only people I would actually ask to be friends are the ones that are pagans and live in Oklahoma, for the very simple reason that I want to bring them in the "loop of information", there are so many things going on in the pagan community and there are still people who have no idea and they complain they can't find other pagans. But I digress. Anyway, this person(a) at one point appeared on my feeds with some really reactionary and straight out communist status updates that everybody praised. I commented that - I am sorry, but living for close to 30 years in a communist country I feel my hackle raise whenever communist stuff is said or written. And this was the exact same type of brain-washing propaganda I have listened to for close to 30 years, same thing that brought me on the streets of Bucharest as an active participant to the anti-communist revolution, in which I saw people die near me and being dragged after being shot. His reponse? a wave of obscene insults in which, of course, the first things I should be aware of was that I was a WOMAN, and a middle aged one at that, and as such it was evident that I was dumb and didn't know what I was saying. It's useless to recount here what my answers were - I presume the character probably had a TIA or something, I don't know as I totally blocked him afterwards.

But, anyway, all of you out there , you know what communism is? A country in which you would have a person or groups of persons (president/central committee of sorts) who are the "Gods" and the rest of the country are the ants. Any free will, and trace of individualism are brainwashed out of people for the good of the community (hence the word communism). You don't own anything anymore in your own name, no property (it is forbidden), everything belongs to the community. Everything you are including what you might become is subject to the development of the whole of the community (hence "totalitarism" - there is no communism with a human face, all communism is a totalitarian regime). The dictatorship and personality cult will appear as well, as communism is an impossibility for the human species - we are individuals and do not have a swarm type of civilization like the bees or the termites or the ants, where there is only one queen and all the other insects live for the good of the community. No, we are mammals and there are no mammals with this mentality, it's all natural selection, in the past it was the best hunter who could feed his family, nowadays it's the one who makes the most money. Just the law of the jungle in a technocratic society.

I will post here a video that actually shows the essence of communism. It shows you the populace, indentity-less, doctors, ballerinas, janitors, teachers, waiters and students, all dancing a useless "ballet" for the delight of the "queen bees". And this tells you more about communism than thousands of tomes. Believe me. I know. I lived it.

Time... more time

It's been weird. It's like I want to do a bazillion things at the same time and I never manage to do them. 

Usually because I am tired. Or start on a different direction and by the time I realize it my initial project is forgotten. 

Example: this morning I started cleaning the office. I dug in a box I have lots of photos in. And while i was sorting them to finally get them in a smaller container, I found an old film. Like 14 years old. From a time when me and my best friend went on a Christmas fun evening, she came to pick me up from work, then we went to the Christmas Village downtown. We took a lot of photos. My best friend lives in Italy now but we chat online almost daily. So dropped were the photos, I jumped in the car and ran to Walgreens to get prints and a CD from the film. While I was there waiting for my prints to be done I got a flu shot (got one 3 months ago but it seems that, after the chemo, flu shot with me doesn't last more than 3 months and due to the surgeries I had, coughing is horrendous, percocet-like horrendous). Also, while still waiting, as I had gotten a "buy $15 value get $3 off" coupon that wasn't valid for the photos, I got some flower seeds and a humongous windchime that was on a 50% discount. Once I got home, I immediately went online and sent my bff the photos, then one she got offline I went ahead and put the windchimes out, then went in the garden and dug and planted some of those seeds, then found in the mail a denial for my CT scan that I'm supposed to have in March. Another story with this one, initially my oncologist had ordered a PET/CT. The insurance denied as they said I need 2 years between PET scans (last one was in August 2010) and they said 'only CT". Two days ago I got the approval for CT. Didn't really read anything beyond the "was approved". Today I got in the mail (it came as I was finishing my planting) another letter from the insurance, "your CT is denied". Ok, major confusion. I look for the reason, it says "you do not have a bone scan that needs to be done prior to the CT". Excuse me? I called my oncologist, the lady there said the insurance denied the CT without contrast but approved the CT WITH contrast. We were both like "wtf?!?"

Anyway, after that, I got a phone call about a spirit doll order, and as I had started a few yesterday I went ahead and finished one.

So, it's 4:42 pm. I am in the office now, the photos - that I had started "putting away" this morning are on the floor, in a pile.

Sigh. Can you say "chemobrain"?

Procrastination

Ok, I am becoming one of the worst procrastinators ever. It comes from the fact that I have been depressed. There are many, many things I need to do and just can't find the energy/motivation to do it - and in some of them I am trying to avoid the pain, yes, I used to have a high pain tolerance, not anymore. I would do anything to get rid of all this pain.

Now I'm saying on everything "I'll do this tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." The motto that used to give me courage and keep my spirits up is not just a procrastinating excuse. And a fear. What if tomorrow won't be another day?

I still didn't finish cleaning the house. Well, I did clean the kitchen, more or less, same for the living room. The bedroom looks semi-decent. Except that I didn't vacuum or dust in any of these rooms. The office looks like a disaster and it has been looking like this since October. I used to be a clean/order freak.

I need to finish the testing website for my online school. On this one at least I've been working a little bit. But sometimes I hit a snag when I am just looking at the code and in an instant I lose it. I do not understand anything. I can't follow the thread of logic of what I am supposed to do, get discouraged and just stop working on it. And then I am afraid to take it up again because it's so depressing to see how much chemo has affected my brain.

I need to finish a few pieces of art, update my online store and the etsy one, and make more stuff. I have absolutely no inspiration. No sculpture, drawing, painting or jewelry making.

I need to start mobilizing for the fund-raisers for organizing the local Pagan Pride Day. To prepare some of the on-site classes. I can't. I can't stop thinking "why would I want to do this? I don't care if people learn from me or not. I don't care about people anymore".

I need to finish the three books I'm writing. I can't focus.

I miss J. I am in pain. I can find no interesting in anything. I am looking forward to the day he will come back, and tell myself all the depression will go away when he comes back, and then I think "what if it won't?". What if when he comes back I will still not be able to shake this off and he won't be able to live with a different me?

My healthcare nurse lady said today on the phone that she will refer me to a specialist for some therapy. I hope it works. I hope I can find inside me the strength to be interested in life again. I've been through so many things in my life, surgeries, big earthquakes, car accidents, premature baby death, a 5 days 3rd degree coma. I always rebounded. I always valued and enjoyed life and fought to get everything I wanted to do done. I always did whatever I could to be of service of the community, to help in any way I could. Why can't I do it again? what is happening to me?

Holiday fiasco

When I "grew up" enough to move away from living with my parents, I've sworn myself that no matter where I'll be and no matter what I'll do, I will always have the Winter Tree up, and always celebrate the Winter Solstice.

This is my 12th year spent far away from my homeland. A little bit over 2 years have gone by since I heard the cancer diagnostic. It's been only 3 months since I've last seen my beloved, for a short 10 days when he came home on leave from deployment. And I fail to have the joy in my heart this year.

I might have been in pain for too long. That may have contributed to my feeling down as of late. My sweetheart not being here, and being so far away from him has been the major part, I think.

Always at this time of the year I would go on youtube and watch videos of traditional Romanian rites and carols and dances and songs. Some are pagan (the dances and the rites), some are Christian (most of the carols) and for a while I've always had the peaceful feeling of the winter holidays that I had in Romania: a whole country, a whole community celebrating the hope. That is the Winter solstice, that is the Birth of Jesus: Hope. In winter, in the longest nights of the year, when everything is cold and gloomy, you know that finally the light will start grow longer and brighter. The same as you know that the seeds, down in the ground, stir and get ready to germinate. It's the hope of the spring to come.

I am not able to get in that mood this year. I knew, and I told him, that this winter will probably be the hardest of my life. It doesn't help that we had a mild fall and winter here in Oklahoma, and there are still plenty of green things out, the lawns are green, my leatherleaf bush is in bloom, the bulbs I planted in November are out already (daylillies and irises), I cannot get rid of this gloomy feeling.

The fact that I have been in pain with no total relief for the last two years probably wore me down. I did find out that my hip pain is from bursitis and my shoulder pain is from shoulder impingement (hello, LD flap breast reconstruction!), but it is beyond frustration when I go to see the doctors complaining of pain and then they're "oh, it is from this" and their face is all happy, like they've discovered America again. And then they start speaking of something else like that was the major thing, that the reason of my pain be found, and if it's found then probably I should stop hurting?!? And when I ask what is to be done they start being ellusive and blabber things like "h we can do some pain management" or "well there are cases when there is long-term effect" and I want to scream "people! why didn't you tell me this before?"

I've put up the Winter tree today. Shoulder hurts when I get on my tiptoes to fix the topper. The lights are messed up - some led bulbs need to be replaced. I had to leave the areas of the light that don't work in the back of the tree as it was impossible for me to remove the burned led bulbs from their sockets.

By the time I was done with putting up ornaments in the tree I already had to take half of a Percocet. I finished the tree and then got the dough from the bread machine and filled it with the traditional nut filling and got it in the oven. Then fixed the second batch of dough in the machine, and got the roast in the oven. All the while thinking "why am I even doing this, it's just me. It's only me at home. Nobody to rejoice with. Nobody to taste my cooking. Nobody. Just me and the dogs."

I haven't sculpted anything in a long time. I haven't painted anything in a long time. I haven't written anything in a long time. I haven't done any changes to any of my websites.I started having anxiety attacks right before I get to sleep, right at the moment when I am ready to fall asleep, the thought that I will die in my sleep comes to my mind and poof! sleep is gone.

I have short bursts of ideation, like I am going to sculpt a little fairy ornament - and I get up from the chair and by the time I get where my art and crafts supplies are I am already tired and asking myself "why?" and the hand that just took the piece of clay puts it back in the ziplock bag. And I go back in front of the computer and play some mindless game.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Karma

<sup>Yea, I know, it's been a while. Almost daily I'm thinking I need to write something here and then the day goes by and that is it, too late.

Anyway. The Karma thing. I see more and more often "oh, don't worry, he'll get it. Karma's a bitch". Or "she doesn't know what it's in store for her, karma will bring bad stuff back to her threefold".

No, people, it won't. Karma is not the "threefold law" of the wiccans. It's not some supreme deity that goes around punishing bad deeds (or whatever you think is a bad deed in your narrow definition of the Universe with you being it's belly-button).

Let's see.

Karma (Sanskrit: कर्म IPA: [ˈkərmə] in Indian religions is the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect (i.e., the cycle called saṃsāra) originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Buddhist and Sikh philosophies.

Sure, cause and effect. BUT, not in this life, ladies and gentlemen. Whatever karmic burden you accumulate in this life will decide what you will choose to expiate it in the next life. When you reincarnate. so don't think that the guy who left you for a prettier (or less nagging) woman, if he got in a fender-bender, or lost his job, or (even better) broke up with the woman he left you for - don't think he got hit by this volatile entity named Karma. Because there is no such thing. He just had a streak of bad luck, or you've sent so much negative energy his way that you caused it, or simply IT JUST HAPPENED, without you or anyone else having any causality on it.

I'm all for syncretism, but for goodness's sake, at least get the terminology right and try to understand what you are saying, so you wouldn't look like ignoramuses.</sup>

Phew

I know, it's been quite a while since I last wrote. As I said, I'm not very good with writing down "dear diary" style.

Anyway. It's really hard right now to get used to being alone again. He said "you were living alone for years before we got together and you were doing just fine" and I replied "yes, but at the time I was fairly healthy, not partially disabled by long-term side effects of cancer treatment".

I'm getting better though. In a way. My exercises with the 2 lbs dumb-bells are going good. I do cheat a little for the second and third round of exercises of the day. The first round I stand up. The other ones - I do them while sitting on the couch watching movies. I am careful to keep my torso nice and vertical and my shoulders pulled back. I am able now to do 25-50 move batches. Which is great. And I'm doing some core exercises, abdomen, legs and specifically thighs exercises. And I can already see (after 10 days of doing it) results - the most noticeable is the  fact that now I can get up from sitting on the floor without needing to prop myself on a piece of furniture.

I'll try taping the exercises I do - maybe some of you who read this have had a LD flap reconstruction too and are researching exercises that would help you get back in shape.

Oh yes, and I need to post updated photos of the garden.

Here are some photos though, of my latest "Goddess spirit dolls".